1/30 - Today I Forgot About My Daughter

Today is Day 1 of a challenge I set for myself - to write every day for the month of May & simply tell the truth:  Good.  Bad.  Beautiful.  Ugly.  Embarrassing.  Exciting.  Titillating.  Boring.
Whatever - so long as it's the truth for that day (or moment)...

(If I'd been more on it, I would have started May 1st, but - Oh well - that's sort of how my life goes these days)

So, today, I took the kids to the 5th birthday party of one of my son's best friends.  They've been in preschool together for the last three years & Trent just loves him.  And I really like their family.  And their youngest really like Iara.  Wins all 'round!

And we had a great time - until it came time for the Birthday Boy to open his presents & suddenly all the other children (including Trent) descended on the poor boy like f*cking vultures, offering to 'help' him open his presents; screaming; elbowing each other; and generally acting like little beasts.

This is a bad situation for Trent, who gets really overwhelmed, but can't seem to pull himself out of the group.  I could see he was starting to get frustrated, and he started pushing himself closer & yelling, and I kept having him move out of the group, or at least in the midst of kids I know he does well with (and who do well with him) - and away from a couple kids he was clearly 'sparking' with.

And then, after about 15 minutes of this, I suddenly realize I have no idea where Iara is!

And I had a mini panic attack.

And she was fine - standing about 10 feet away, seemingly totally in her own world.

Some other parents noticed all this & said they'd asked her if she wanted to come closer & she kept saying 'no'.

And I felt simultaneously relieved that other people had been taking care of Iara & *totally embarrassed* that I had been witnessed in the act of *forgetting all about my 16 month old daughter*!!!

Seriously, what kind of a parent does that?!?!?

I am losing my mind...

40/100 (A Continuation)

{1-20}


21.  File my taxes on time
22.  Be debt free
23.  Scuba dive
24.  Extended travel with my children
25.  Waldorf teacher training
26.  Discover my Life's Work
27.  Have a photography show
28.  Make pickles
29.  Can/preserve yearly
30.  Feel self-sufficient
31.  Trust {other people}
32.  Stop doubting myself as a mother
33.  Tell the Truth.  All the Truth, all the time.
34.  Work a polling center on election day
35.  Donate yearly to {at least 5} organizations I believe in
36.  Live in a home {that I LOVE} for over 5 years
37.  Dare to Dream
38.  Let go of the Dream{s} & Live NOW
39.  Get over {the potential of} my ex-husband

40.  Knit a sweater for myself

sculpture by Paige Bradley
http://www.paigebradley.com/

I Flow. I Am.

Quiet friend who has come so far,
feel how your breathing makes more space around you.
Let this darkness be a bell tower
and you the bell. As you ring,

what batters you becomes your strength.
Move back and forth into the change.
What is it like, such intensity of pain?
If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine.

In this uncontainable night,
be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,
the meaning discovered there.

And if the world has ceased to hear you,
say to the silent earth: I flow.
To the rushing water, speak: I am.

― Rainer Maria Rilke, Sonnets to Orpheus

Some Days I Win

Just now, I left Trent completely alone when he decided to eat honey out of one spoon with another spoon.  And I didn't even say anything about the sticky mess on the floor.  Yup - just wiped it right up with a sponge.

Sometimes the crazy voice inside my head that feels like everything is flying off into chaos (and it's up to me, alone, to control the chaos) quiets down a little & I win.

Life Is Like This

I tend to vacillate between too much to say & nothing at all. 

I have about 20 partially-written blog posts, ranging from Waldorf education to my experience weaning to 2Pac to a love letter to my (emotionally) unavailable lover...  I wish I had 3 uninterrupted days (with my house already clean & my inbox empty) to write & write & write -and- I'm tempted to just delete them all & start fresh...

I tend to vacillate between feeling totally blessed & like a f&*king hopeless mess.

Lately I've been noticing how many unfinished knitting projects I have lying around.  I'm not drawn to completing any of them.  I'd rather find a new & exciting project to start...

This morning I yelled at Trent because I wanted to be left alone for a couple minutes in the bathroom.  He cried.  I cried.  Sometimes the never-ending-ness of (single) motherhood really gets to me & I just lose my sh*t.

This evening we shared an absolutely gorgeous time in the garden:  me pruning, Trent raking up the fallen branches & vines.  Then I said 'yes' to an impromptu trip to the ice cream shop before dinner.  And Trent adventured & played & rode his bike outside for an hour as the sky grew dark & I cooked amazing chicken & broccoli (that Trent asked for more & more & more of).

Life is just like that.

(chocolate ice cream coma)

(every day his sweet, open face breaks my heart.  he is teaching me how to really love.  and, also, forgiveness.)

Sometimes My Heart Feels Like This

Procrastination .or. My House is a F*&%ing Mess

The (not so) Little Dude is asleep.

There are groceries to put away, dishes to wash, a bag to unpack from a trip we returned from a *week* ago, plus a bag to unpack from yesterday's day trip.
I need a shower, my teeth haven't been brushed yet today...in fact I'm still in my pajamas.
Coyote Cat's litter box needs emptying.

But, am I handling any of that with this 1-2 hour reprieve?  Nope.  Here I am, checking Facebook, writing in my blog, maybe going to sneak an episode of TV on Netflix (I'm too embarrassed to even tell you the show).

Take heart, friend.  Whoever you are, however messy your house (or life) seems, I'm right there with you...

Give yourself a break.  Take a walk.  Make a craft with your kiddo.  Nap.  Or read.  Sip hot cocoa.

The dishes will still be there tomorrow.

Why, yes, this is my lovely sink...

I Went to the Woods Today...

...because I needed to be surrounded by beings much larger, older & wiser than myself...

I walked for a ways & then wrapped myself around a (Madrone) tree & sobbed.
And she held me.

I feel so lost right now.  Unsure how to be a mother, a friend, a lover, a co-parent, a human...

Later, I lay on the ground beneath a huge & gorgeous Redwood.

And she held me too.  And the Earth.
I felt cradled.

There were an abundance of small, magical, beautiful beings...

And I came home with some peace in my heart.

20/100 (a Non-Bucket-List Bucket List) -or - I am A Work in Progress

1.  Birth at home with no one there but me & The Dad & Jamie (& maybe Trent)
2.  Produce (at least) 50% of what we eat from my own land
3.  Take a workshop with Ina May
4.  Catch a baby other than my own
5.  Girlfriend Southwest hot springs road trip/tour
6.  Assist for Manouso Manos
7.  500 Hour Iyengar teacher training
8.  Study with BKS Iyengar in Pune
9.  Fall in love without fear
10.  Look in the mirror without judgement
11.  Have all my metal fillings replaced with non-metal
12.  Hike the Appalachian Trail
13.  Learn Sanskrit
14.  WOOF (Italy, New Zealand, Chile...)
15.  Family trip to Africa
16.  Yearly Hawaii trip to visit Crazy Uncle Jim & the spinners
17.  Swim with whales
18.  Learn to surf (for real)
19.  Bees!
20.  Apprentice (to lead sweat lodges (and then actually lead them!)) with Tim

Would I really be incomplete if I didn't do any one, five, or all twenty, of these things?
I doubt it.
The point is to Live Big.  Live For Real.  Risk it all & Trust.
These are all just access points.  To love & enjoy this (precious) world; this (precious) life.

I love what Misplaced Mama says:
"Manifestations comes from seeing all the flowers in front of our eyes right now. Saying thank you during each step. Throwing away our lists. Burning our vision boards. Destroying The Secret. The secret is this! Don’t keep any secrets. Say thank you and please while you’re at it. Enjoy the jeans with the holey crotch. Buy new ones when you can. Smile at the mess in the living room and stop looking in other people’s windows and wishing. Stop thinking about the life you always thought you’d have and live the one you got."

So, some gratitude, while I'm at it:

1.  Trent (Trent, always Trent)
2.  Living here
3.  Him & Him & Him
4.  Yoga
5.  Making my living loving people
6.  Still having friends I've known my whole life
7.  Water
8.  Growing up at Tassajara
9.  Living most of my life in places that get (really) dark at night
10.  All those who throw caution to the wind & do what they love (most)

Big Love.

On Being Alone

I was re-reading a quote by David Whyte I recently posted to my Facebook profile:  'To feel abandoned is to deny the intimacy of your surroundings.' & enjoying the comments from friends about how they loved it, blah, blah, blah...

And I realized I was feeling abandoned *right then* & not really taking in my own advice (via the quote).

Sitting here in my own loneliness.  Some days a quote like that can crack the door just enough for a full inhalation to sweep in & clear my mind.  Tonight I feel stuck in it.

I stopped for a moment & looked around.  What are my surroundings?  What intimacy am I denying?  The soft light in my room, walls warmly painted, bed & comforter so cozy, new clean sheets, a cat for G-d's sake:  a real live warm fuzzy creature snuggled next to me, purring...

My heart still feels heavy.
Joy eludes me tonight.
I want, I want, I want, I want...something...something to feel different.
To know where I belong.
I am waiting for someone else to step forward & offer me a spot.  To say:  Here.  Come here.  You belong here.
And to hold me tight.

The only practice I know is to stay right here.  To feel it all.  To distract myself just a little.  And then to come back home to myself.  Again & again & again.

Sometimes it's not enough.

And, of course, it's always actually enough.

June, July, August, September -or- Life is Good

Mama-Love

Wild-Haired Artist-Boy

Held

Blossoming

Grateful For

Unbearable Lightness of Being

Moooooooo

Big Guy!

Tender

Turtle-Friend

The Last Moon Before He Came Home

Mimi's

What Do I Really Know?

Pretty much Nothing, as it turns out.

Every time I think I'm starting to get it - this life, or my life, or being a Mama, or how to be happy, or whatever - figured out.  Well, to be kind, let's just say that's usually when all hell breaks loose.

Luckily I seem to be getting more adept at sitting in midst of chaos & letting it burn.  Burn up this crazy ego of mine that wants everything exactly the way I want it, and NOW.  Have I mentioned before I hate not getting what I want?  That I hate not getting my way?  That I can be an absolute child about having to consider other people?

Yeah.  Super-fun.  Especially since I'm the Mama now & there is an actual child in the house.  Also demanding to get his way, and NOW!

........................................................................................................................................................................

And, am I surprised that my child is intense?  Is prone to fits of rage?  Throws & hits & screams in frustration?

Nope.

He is my child after all.  And his Dad's.  And we are, neither of us, smooth & peaceful creatures.  We both carry in us that heat; that spark; that iron & steel.  We are instigators; lighters of fires.  It is only in the past few years I have even begun to discover the (much vaster) potential of water; of love; the power in being capable of flow.

For the past two years, Trent has been teaching me almost daily:  Open Mama, open...
Any place I'm rigid, he breaks me {open}.
His love is so big.  I am humbled.

Who am I that I get to be his Mama?
As Marianne Williams says:  Who am I not to be?!?

An endless journey into Not Knowing.  Trusting.  Learning.  And letting go...

House on Fire

House on Fire

Your house

   is on fire.

Quick—

   what will you take

with you

into that new

life,

the one

you hadn’t planned?

The one without

the layers

of meaning

and belief,

carelessly constructed yet

protected

with such

blind

tenacity?

Choose now—

   will you keep

your relationships

as you’ve known them?

Your ways of being

   in the world?

Will you crawl out

  of the house

   at last,

gasping for clean air,

having risked it all

for one momento

of the person

you used to be?

Arrogant presumption,

this pretense of choosing.

As if the Soul, 

   having sought

  its ego-erasing crucible

would now empower

your illusions

of control.

Why keep running

back

into the wreckage?

Better to surrender

wholeheartedly.

Let the flames

take it all—even

your blueprint

for life after immolation.

Trust in the miracle

beyond your designing:

The post-surrender peace

that comes

from somehow knowing

amidst the ashes

you’ll find the treasure

that was always hiding

beneath your dross,

waiting for one more fire

to set it free. 

        ©2011, Kimberly V. Schneider

                     from her forthcoming audiobook,

                    

Terrible Beauty: Poems and Reflections

                     for Precarious Times

Life Will Break You - by Louise Erdich

Life will break you.
Nobody can protect you from that,
and living alone won’t
either
for solitude will also break you
with its yearning.

You have to love.
You have to feel.

It is the reason you are here on earth.

You are here to risk your heart.
You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens
that you are broken
or betrayed
or left
or hurt
or death brushes near

Let yourself sit
by an apple tree and
listen
to the apples
falling all around you in heaps

wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.