3/30

So, clearly, these posts are not going to be every day...
That *was* the plan, but:  damn the plan - I just can't get it together to write every day!
There will be Thirty Posts of Truth.

Today.  Tonight.  What is True, with a capital 'T'?

Right here.  Right now.

My body is a good kind of tired.  The kind that comes from doing some yoga (not today - yesterday) & being in the sun maybe just a little too much (that was today).

My mind feels smooth.

Earlier I felt over-tired & anxious.
I had things to do that I was avoiding.

I still have one challenging email to write, but I have a friend to check in with first - I don't want to write the email from a place of reactivity or collapse...
So, I reached out to a friend.  And, it's funny - she's a woman I've known a long time now & we've shared a lot - but, over the last several years, I've distanced myself from her.  I've created stories that she doesn't really like me.  That she's not 'on my team'...
But, I started to notice that when I was *actually with her* I liked her, I enjoyed her & I felt good being with her.
So, I've been slowly walking myself back onto the path of friendship & it feel tender.

And, this call I put out to her, it feels tender too.

It's about work, but not really.
It's about whether I'm valued.  Whether I'm being accepted or rejected.
It's about how do I go about valuing myself without being an entitled prima donna...

So, the Truth about my work right now is:  I don't have any paying clients.
The Truth is:  In the sessions I'm doing, there are moments that feel exquisite & other moments where I find myself trying to get somewhere.
The Truth is:  I'm terrified to put myself & my work out there.  Terrified of being rejected.  Terrified I'm actually no good at coaching or course leading.  Terrified I'll never make money at it.  Terrified I'll have to fall back on something else that's boring or that I hate & that I'll be stuck poor with two kids forever.

2/30 Ooops...

I forgot to write last night because I was having sex instead.

I'm not sorry.

1/30 - Today I Forgot About My Daughter

Today is Day 1 of a challenge I set for myself - to write every day for the month of May & simply tell the truth:  Good.  Bad.  Beautiful.  Ugly.  Embarrassing.  Exciting.  Titillating.  Boring.
Whatever - so long as it's the truth for that day (or moment)...

(If I'd been more on it, I would have started May 1st, but - Oh well - that's sort of how my life goes these days)

So, today, I took the kids to the 5th birthday party of one of my son's best friends.  They've been in preschool together for the last three years & Trent just loves him.  And I really like their family.  And their youngest really like Iara.  Wins all 'round!

And we had a great time - until it came time for the Birthday Boy to open his presents & suddenly all the other children (including Trent) descended on the poor boy like f*cking vultures, offering to 'help' him open his presents; screaming; elbowing each other; and generally acting like little beasts.

This is a bad situation for Trent, who gets really overwhelmed, but can't seem to pull himself out of the group.  I could see he was starting to get frustrated, and he started pushing himself closer & yelling, and I kept having him move out of the group, or at least in the midst of kids I know he does well with (and who do well with him) - and away from a couple kids he was clearly 'sparking' with.

And then, after about 15 minutes of this, I suddenly realize I have no idea where Iara is!

And I had a mini panic attack.

And she was fine - standing about 10 feet away, seemingly totally in her own world.

Some other parents noticed all this & said they'd asked her if she wanted to come closer & she kept saying 'no'.

And I felt simultaneously relieved that other people had been taking care of Iara & *totally embarrassed* that I had been witnessed in the act of *forgetting all about my 16 month old daughter*!!!

Seriously, what kind of a parent does that?!?!?

I am losing my mind...

40/100 (A Continuation)

{1-20}


21.  File my taxes on time
22.  Be debt free
23.  Scuba dive
24.  Extended travel with my children
25.  Waldorf teacher training
26.  Discover my Life's Work
27.  Have a photography show
28.  Make pickles
29.  Can/preserve yearly
30.  Feel self-sufficient
31.  Trust {other people}
32.  Stop doubting myself as a mother
33.  Tell the Truth.  All the Truth, all the time.
34.  Work a polling center on election day
35.  Donate yearly to {at least 5} organizations I believe in
36.  Live in a home {that I LOVE} for over 5 years
37.  Dare to Dream
38.  Let go of the Dream{s} & Live NOW
39.  Get over {the potential of} my ex-husband

40.  Knit a sweater for myself

sculpture by Paige Bradley
http://www.paigebradley.com/

Hide Nothing

{Inspired by...}

Sometimes I'm totally bored of being with my child.

Sometimes I wish I'd never had a kid.

I'm secretly hoping to get accidentally pregnant.
(I think I may be crazy)

Sometimes I hate families with two parents. 
But, really, I secretly envy them.

I would get electrolysis if I could afford it & didn't think people would judge me.
I'd probably also get a boob job if I thought it would look natural & I didn't think people would judge me.

I judge people who don't breast feed.

I once spent $1000 on clothes because I was mad at Him for sleeping with another woman.

I have cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had.

I once lied to a credit card company & told them my card had been stolen, so I wouldn't have to pay for the last few times I used that card.

I had an abortion.

I'm terrified my parents will find this blog.

I'm scared to tell my parents I'm getting divorced.  Even though they probably already know.  I mean, I've been living separately from my husband for almost 2 years now.

One of the reasons I haven't (officially) gotten divorced yet is that I'm afraid I won't be able to support myself on my own.
Another reason I haven't (officially) gotten divorced yet is that I still sometimes think we'll work it out.

One of the reasons I dye my hair is so no one will see I'm starting to go gray.

I do.  not.  like.  the wrinkles forming between my eyebrows.
I'm OK with the ones at the corners of my eyes.

I have pretty much always been afraid I was fat - since I was about 11 - except for about the 6 months before I got pregnant.

I loved being pregnant.  So.  Much.
One of the reasons I want another baby is so I can be pregnant again.
And give birth again.

I am totally jealous of other people's success.  Especially their successful relationships.

I secretly wish bad things upon people I've felt hurt by.

I often feel lonely.
I feel angry most of the time.

I'm obsessed with really expensive jeans & boots.

I sometimes ignore my kid to write in this blog.

I'm afraid I may not do anything worthwhile with my life.

House on Fire

House on Fire

Your house

   is on fire.

Quick—

   what will you take

with you

into that new

life,

the one

you hadn’t planned?

The one without

the layers

of meaning

and belief,

carelessly constructed yet

protected

with such

blind

tenacity?

Choose now—

   will you keep

your relationships

as you’ve known them?

Your ways of being

   in the world?

Will you crawl out

  of the house

   at last,

gasping for clean air,

having risked it all

for one momento

of the person

you used to be?

Arrogant presumption,

this pretense of choosing.

As if the Soul, 

   having sought

  its ego-erasing crucible

would now empower

your illusions

of control.

Why keep running

back

into the wreckage?

Better to surrender

wholeheartedly.

Let the flames

take it all—even

your blueprint

for life after immolation.

Trust in the miracle

beyond your designing:

The post-surrender peace

that comes

from somehow knowing

amidst the ashes

you’ll find the treasure

that was always hiding

beneath your dross,

waiting for one more fire

to set it free. 

        ©2011, Kimberly V. Schneider

                     from her forthcoming audiobook,

                    

Terrible Beauty: Poems and Reflections

                     for Precarious Times

Life Will Break You - by Louise Erdich

Life will break you.
Nobody can protect you from that,
and living alone won’t
either
for solitude will also break you
with its yearning.

You have to love.
You have to feel.

It is the reason you are here on earth.

You are here to risk your heart.
You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens
that you are broken
or betrayed
or left
or hurt
or death brushes near

Let yourself sit
by an apple tree and
listen
to the apples
falling all around you in heaps

wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.