1/30 - Today I Forgot About My Daughter

Today is Day 1 of a challenge I set for myself - to write every day for the month of May & simply tell the truth:  Good.  Bad.  Beautiful.  Ugly.  Embarrassing.  Exciting.  Titillating.  Boring.
Whatever - so long as it's the truth for that day (or moment)...

(If I'd been more on it, I would have started May 1st, but - Oh well - that's sort of how my life goes these days)

So, today, I took the kids to the 5th birthday party of one of my son's best friends.  They've been in preschool together for the last three years & Trent just loves him.  And I really like their family.  And their youngest really like Iara.  Wins all 'round!

And we had a great time - until it came time for the Birthday Boy to open his presents & suddenly all the other children (including Trent) descended on the poor boy like f*cking vultures, offering to 'help' him open his presents; screaming; elbowing each other; and generally acting like little beasts.

This is a bad situation for Trent, who gets really overwhelmed, but can't seem to pull himself out of the group.  I could see he was starting to get frustrated, and he started pushing himself closer & yelling, and I kept having him move out of the group, or at least in the midst of kids I know he does well with (and who do well with him) - and away from a couple kids he was clearly 'sparking' with.

And then, after about 15 minutes of this, I suddenly realize I have no idea where Iara is!

And I had a mini panic attack.

And she was fine - standing about 10 feet away, seemingly totally in her own world.

Some other parents noticed all this & said they'd asked her if she wanted to come closer & she kept saying 'no'.

And I felt simultaneously relieved that other people had been taking care of Iara & *totally embarrassed* that I had been witnessed in the act of *forgetting all about my 16 month old daughter*!!!

Seriously, what kind of a parent does that?!?!?

I am losing my mind...

He Rides A Bike Now

My heart hurts a little every time he rides away.  He is growing up, and Joy & Loss are constant bedfellows...
i don't even want to think about when he goes to kindergarten.
Somebody please hold me.

Cyclical, Circular *or* She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain When She Comes

Today I watched this amazing commencement speech (by David Foster Wallace):

And I thought:  Yes, yes, YES!!!
And I cried a little bit - hearing him acknowledge the tedium of being alive.

Jesus, sometimes what it takes to get through the day is just so fucking mind numbing, and it's refreshing, actually to hear someone say it.

Today was one of the good days.  One of the days where I do things that make me feel accomplished & connected; one of the days where I feed myself well; one of the days where I make it out for a walk to drink in the beauty of where I live.
And I found that the blueberries were ripe.  The ones on public land.  Near my house.  And I ate them by the hand-full, right off the bush.
And Life felt GOOD.

Plus, Daddy #2 & I reconnected, and I was able to stay in the sweet spot:  you know the one:  where I am firm & also open-hearted.  I stood my ground & said:  this is not OK, and I also said:  we love you.
And, when he said, "I hate you", I felt practically giddy; started laughing.
Sometimes the truth is all it takes.

And he came over & cried with the baby.

****************************************

Now I am sitting downstairs in the dark, writing - listening to the baby (hopefully) coo herself to sleep in her basket.
She is such a different baby than my first.
And I am also a different Mama.

I don't think I ever would have tried this with the first, but I also think he would have cried instead of just talking to himself...

Sometimes she will lie on my bed & just stare out the window, looking at the wind move the leaves on the tree outside my window.....for, like, five whole minutes.  Not making a sound; not wanting anything.

****************************************

Daddy #1 took our first-born to the city for a bit.
They went to a ball-game & did fun city things.  Things I might enjoy, but probably not with my kid.  When he gets all hyped up, I get all stressed out.
They have their rhythm(s) & we have ours...

Baby girl & I find a different rhythm without Big Brother.
I miss him SO much & I see her looking around for him - and, then, there's something nice about the quiet & not needing to try to balance both of their needs, which are so different right now:  the 4 year old boy & the 6 month old girl...

****************************************

It's hard to not occasionally regret not doing more with him before she was born:  more running, more jumping, more getting into the sandbox & the bath-tub with him

Two is hard.
One was still kinda free & sexy.
One meant there were still periods of being alone & doing my own thing.
Two is frumpy & perpetually smelling of something:  sweat, mama-milk, spit-up, whatever the older one just wiped on my pants...
Two is *never* alone.
Two is some serious fucking touch overload!

***************************************

Though I find that I still want to have sex.
That I am not so touch-saturated that I don't want the touch of an adult.

Of course, it's all hypothetical right now, so who the fuck really knows.

Sometimes I think we would get along better if we were still lovers.
Or maybe that's the worst idea ever.

****************************************

Yesterday was staying up too late, eating too much sugar, watching a movie.
And today I feel like I can take on the world.

Cycles & rhythms.
Sometimes we have a choice & sometimes we don't.

40/100 (A Continuation)

{1-20}


21.  File my taxes on time
22.  Be debt free
23.  Scuba dive
24.  Extended travel with my children
25.  Waldorf teacher training
26.  Discover my Life's Work
27.  Have a photography show
28.  Make pickles
29.  Can/preserve yearly
30.  Feel self-sufficient
31.  Trust {other people}
32.  Stop doubting myself as a mother
33.  Tell the Truth.  All the Truth, all the time.
34.  Work a polling center on election day
35.  Donate yearly to {at least 5} organizations I believe in
36.  Live in a home {that I LOVE} for over 5 years
37.  Dare to Dream
38.  Let go of the Dream{s} & Live NOW
39.  Get over {the potential of} my ex-husband

40.  Knit a sweater for myself

sculpture by Paige Bradley
http://www.paigebradley.com/

Some Days I Win

Just now, I left Trent completely alone when he decided to eat honey out of one spoon with another spoon.  And I didn't even say anything about the sticky mess on the floor.  Yup - just wiped it right up with a sponge.

Sometimes the crazy voice inside my head that feels like everything is flying off into chaos (and it's up to me, alone, to control the chaos) quiets down a little & I win.

Life Is Like This

I tend to vacillate between too much to say & nothing at all. 

I have about 20 partially-written blog posts, ranging from Waldorf education to my experience weaning to 2Pac to a love letter to my (emotionally) unavailable lover...  I wish I had 3 uninterrupted days (with my house already clean & my inbox empty) to write & write & write -and- I'm tempted to just delete them all & start fresh...

I tend to vacillate between feeling totally blessed & like a f&*king hopeless mess.

Lately I've been noticing how many unfinished knitting projects I have lying around.  I'm not drawn to completing any of them.  I'd rather find a new & exciting project to start...

This morning I yelled at Trent because I wanted to be left alone for a couple minutes in the bathroom.  He cried.  I cried.  Sometimes the never-ending-ness of (single) motherhood really gets to me & I just lose my sh*t.

This evening we shared an absolutely gorgeous time in the garden:  me pruning, Trent raking up the fallen branches & vines.  Then I said 'yes' to an impromptu trip to the ice cream shop before dinner.  And Trent adventured & played & rode his bike outside for an hour as the sky grew dark & I cooked amazing chicken & broccoli (that Trent asked for more & more & more of).

Life is just like that.

(chocolate ice cream coma)

(every day his sweet, open face breaks my heart.  he is teaching me how to really love.  and, also, forgiveness.)

Procrastination .or. My House is a F*&%ing Mess

The (not so) Little Dude is asleep.

There are groceries to put away, dishes to wash, a bag to unpack from a trip we returned from a *week* ago, plus a bag to unpack from yesterday's day trip.
I need a shower, my teeth haven't been brushed yet today...in fact I'm still in my pajamas.
Coyote Cat's litter box needs emptying.

But, am I handling any of that with this 1-2 hour reprieve?  Nope.  Here I am, checking Facebook, writing in my blog, maybe going to sneak an episode of TV on Netflix (I'm too embarrassed to even tell you the show).

Take heart, friend.  Whoever you are, however messy your house (or life) seems, I'm right there with you...

Give yourself a break.  Take a walk.  Make a craft with your kiddo.  Nap.  Or read.  Sip hot cocoa.

The dishes will still be there tomorrow.

Why, yes, this is my lovely sink...

Hide Nothing

{Inspired by...}

Sometimes I'm totally bored of being with my child.

Sometimes I wish I'd never had a kid.

I'm secretly hoping to get accidentally pregnant.
(I think I may be crazy)

Sometimes I hate families with two parents. 
But, really, I secretly envy them.

I would get electrolysis if I could afford it & didn't think people would judge me.
I'd probably also get a boob job if I thought it would look natural & I didn't think people would judge me.

I judge people who don't breast feed.

I once spent $1000 on clothes because I was mad at Him for sleeping with another woman.

I have cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had.

I once lied to a credit card company & told them my card had been stolen, so I wouldn't have to pay for the last few times I used that card.

I had an abortion.

I'm terrified my parents will find this blog.

I'm scared to tell my parents I'm getting divorced.  Even though they probably already know.  I mean, I've been living separately from my husband for almost 2 years now.

One of the reasons I haven't (officially) gotten divorced yet is that I'm afraid I won't be able to support myself on my own.
Another reason I haven't (officially) gotten divorced yet is that I still sometimes think we'll work it out.

One of the reasons I dye my hair is so no one will see I'm starting to go gray.

I do.  not.  like.  the wrinkles forming between my eyebrows.
I'm OK with the ones at the corners of my eyes.

I have pretty much always been afraid I was fat - since I was about 11 - except for about the 6 months before I got pregnant.

I loved being pregnant.  So.  Much.
One of the reasons I want another baby is so I can be pregnant again.
And give birth again.

I am totally jealous of other people's success.  Especially their successful relationships.

I secretly wish bad things upon people I've felt hurt by.

I often feel lonely.
I feel angry most of the time.

I'm obsessed with really expensive jeans & boots.

I sometimes ignore my kid to write in this blog.

I'm afraid I may not do anything worthwhile with my life.

What Do I Really Know?

Pretty much Nothing, as it turns out.

Every time I think I'm starting to get it - this life, or my life, or being a Mama, or how to be happy, or whatever - figured out.  Well, to be kind, let's just say that's usually when all hell breaks loose.

Luckily I seem to be getting more adept at sitting in midst of chaos & letting it burn.  Burn up this crazy ego of mine that wants everything exactly the way I want it, and NOW.  Have I mentioned before I hate not getting what I want?  That I hate not getting my way?  That I can be an absolute child about having to consider other people?

Yeah.  Super-fun.  Especially since I'm the Mama now & there is an actual child in the house.  Also demanding to get his way, and NOW!

........................................................................................................................................................................

And, am I surprised that my child is intense?  Is prone to fits of rage?  Throws & hits & screams in frustration?

Nope.

He is my child after all.  And his Dad's.  And we are, neither of us, smooth & peaceful creatures.  We both carry in us that heat; that spark; that iron & steel.  We are instigators; lighters of fires.  It is only in the past few years I have even begun to discover the (much vaster) potential of water; of love; the power in being capable of flow.

For the past two years, Trent has been teaching me almost daily:  Open Mama, open...
Any place I'm rigid, he breaks me {open}.
His love is so big.  I am humbled.

Who am I that I get to be his Mama?
As Marianne Williams says:  Who am I not to be?!?

An endless journey into Not Knowing.  Trusting.  Learning.  And letting go...

Words

Trent's words:

Shoes (Shs)
Boot (Boo)
Ball (Ba)
Hi
Bye
Hey
Mamma
Dadda
Cracker (Cra Cra)
Dog (Da)
Uh-Oh
Water (Wawa)
More (Mo)
Hot (Haaaaaa)
Belly Button (Bow Bow or Boo Ba)
Pee Pee
Poo Poo
And, of course.....NO

Whatever

So....I have definitely NOT been blogging every Thursday & Sunday evening, like I said I would.

And, you know what? I don't care.

I have this little reminder alarm that pops up & tells me it's time to blog, and I keep ignoring it.

I am a seriously busy kitty these days:

Trent is almost 17 months now & running around like crazy, singing up a storm, and generally enchanting & driving me nuts in almost equal parts. Plus, uninterrupted sleep is still rare commodity - so sometimes it's really all I can do to show up. Good thing showing up is 90%, right?

I am also in a three-month yoga teacher training, and it is kicking my butt - both mentally & physically. I am in class for five hours every Saturday & Sunday until mid-December (plus, a couple hours every Tuesday & Friday evening). Muscles I didn't know I had are sore, and I am spending much of Trent's sleeping time doing homework or attempting some home practice time.
And: I LOVE IT.

Then there's the fact that I'm moving to Sebastopol (and hour away) in December, so I'm showing my place & starting to sort through Trent & my stuff to see what we can get rid of now, so I don't have to pack it. It's a process I actually really enjoy - I just wish I had more time & wasn't so gosh darn tired...

So, anyway - fuck blogging twice a week.

I'll see you when I see you, and at least you'll know I really wanted to be there.

xoox

My Favorite Baby Stuff

This is a list I wrote for some newly pregnant friends when Trent was about 6-8 weeks old.  I've updated it some, but thought I would basically just copy & paste here for posterity...
Plus, it really is all stuff I used ALL the time when he was tiny.
Each mom figures out what she needs as her Bun gets older, but it's so nice to have some guidance at the beginning...



Things We Loved & Used ALL the Time 

• The William & Martha Sears 'Baby Book’ – it’s my new bible. (current note:  I *still* use this book.  Like right before Trent's first birthday when he got pink eye & just last week when he had a fever of 101.8.  SO helpful & non-over-reactive)
• Weleda products – especially the calendula oil (I’m using it as diaper cream & also rubbing it all over Trent’s body every opportunity I get.  He loves it.).  Their diaper cream is also good.  (current note:  I still use their cream bath wash & have never used any other kind of soap on Trent)
•  Lansinoh diaper cream – This is my go-to when Trent actually has a rash - it clears it up in no time flat.
• Ring Sling:  really, really, really great for when your baby is still little – ever since I learned how to use it, I carry Trent everywhere & still have my hands free.  I can even nurse with him in it.  Having a friend show me how to use this sling *changed my life*.  I love it.
• A good rocking chair – probably a glider:  we found one used on CL & setting it up so I can look out the window & rock/nurse Trent has changed my life. (you will spend a lot of time wherever you set up to nurse, so make it good)
• Cocynthal (sp?):  ‘Colic’/gassy baby liquid homeopathic remedy.  Really works - Trent would be crying & crying & we would give him a shot of this stuff & a minute later he would poop or fart & calm down. (current note:  I still occasionally use this when Trent's got really bad gas.  Still works!)
• Changing table:  not something I ever would have invested in, but has become one of the places Trent & I have the most fun together.  Whether you get a ‘real’ changing table or not, just make sure you set up a station in a way & place that you’ll be happy spending lots of time.  (I think having a heater as part of the changing station is one of the things that makes Trent so happy there.)
• Tiny Tots Diaper Service – I’m a huge cloth diaper advocate (happy to give anyone a demo or five, if you’re on the fence & just intimidated.  It’s really easy once you get the hang of it!) – and this service is great.  Awesome customer service too.
• A bouncing/vibrating chair:  again, not something I thought we needed (or even wanted), but has become invaluable… (we removed the bar across the top that usually has a ton of horrid, bright, plastic shit that lights up & makes noise.  Who needs the overstimulation?  Trent just liked the vibration...)
• I love this site for buying diaper covers (of course, getting hand-me-dows is the BEST!).  I like having a variety:  some cotton, some wool, some polyester – good for different times…
• A water-proof pad (or three, to have a nice rotation) to sleep on:  we’re sleep-sharing with Trent & my milk supply is so high, he & I are all wet by morning.  The pad keeps us from having to wash the sheets every day.
• You really can’t have too many baby blankets – all different weights, fabrics, sizes – you’ll use them for all kinds of things – trust me.
• Lansinoh brand nipple cream – works like a charm
• Lansinoh brand nursing/breast pads – the best I’ve found…(you’ll want to have these & at least one nursing bra before you go into labor, so you’ll have them right away.
• Once my supply settled down & I found my rhythm, I started using  reusable breast pads.  I think Gerber makes nice ones & I found them at Target, of all places...
• Glamourmom makes a great nursing tank (with built in bra).  I literally wear them every day.
• Soothing music that you like to listen to – calms you down, calms baby down…  I’m partial to cello music.
• Socks:  his feet get really cold!
• I’m partial to the Avent brand manual breast pump.  I’m only pumping once/day, since I’m not going back to work anytime soon – so it works really well for me.  I know other women have appreciated the efficiency of the electric…  Also, glass bottles for storing expressed milk (and special freezer bags for freezing).  (current note:  One year later, and still working for me...)
• A boppy or equivalent for nursing
• Hylands teething tablets (homeopathic remedy)
• I love our white noise maker at night (current note:  we still use this for every nap & at night.  I even take it when we travel!)
• A night-light, or some way to have low light for night nursing
• Monitor (ours sucks, so I don't have a good recommendation)
• We LOVE out Phil & Ted's stroller, but we would totally have gotten a cheaper one if we weren't planning on having two kids (it has an awesome $40 add-on that turns it into a really easy double stroller).  (current note:  We didn't use the stroller until Trent was about 6 months old & now I use it ALL the time!)
• I really like these bras for sleeping in.  You may not gush milk all the time, but if you do, you’ll be wanting a comfy bra to sleep in
  
• (At 3.5 months) we have now started using the famous Ergo.  It's easy, comfortable & Trent likes it.  if you have the opportunity to try out some baby carriers (with a baby) before you have a baby – that’s the best, because it’s such a personal decision... (current note:  At 14 months & 27lbs, the Ergo is still pretty comfy, though better as a back carrier than a front carrier...)
  

Things we Did Not Need

• Baby towels (we just use ours)
• Baby bath (we just get in with him - it's super-fun & he has always LOVED the bath because of it)
• A crib (someone loaned us a *beautiful* one & we just never used it...) 
• Baby shampoo (I just washed Trent's hair for the first time a couple weeks ago - only because he threw up in it)
• Half the newborn clothes - he just grew so fast!

At Six Months

• The Johnny Jump-up is a HUGE hit & gives me some much needed time to do such glamorous things at:  cook breakfast!
• For constipation (with solids):  the very BEST has been just mixing some high quality olive oil in withe veggie puree's, also the homeopathic remedy Nux Vomica

Websites

• La Leche League (for everything breast-related): http://www.llli.org/resources.htm
• Berkeley Parents Network (awesome, awesome, awesome forum, archives, and great way to connect with other like-minded parents: http://parents.berkeley.edu/
• Hand in Hand (I’m not 100% with these folks, but they have some great stuff: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/
• Awake Parenting Perspectives: http://www.awakeparent.com/

This morning...

...I thought I was going to go *crazy*!

Please, baby, please:  just sleep for a few more minutes!
Please, baby, please:  stop kicking me in the gut!
Please, baby, please:  eat one more bite of eggs!

(stop crying for one minute, sit still, take your medicine, and (for G-d's sake!) go back to sleep!!!!)

And, the house is in complete chaos, the dishes need to be done, there are books & toys *everywhere*, I'm still hungry, I'm tired, I don't want to sleep, we are getting a new street & the noise & the smells are awful...  I could go on.

So....

::10 Things I am Actually Grateful for Right Now::

1.  The baby is sleeping
2.  The baby is sleeping
3.  The baby is still sleeping
4.  The cup of blackberry/sage tea I am brewing for myself (with milk & honey)
5.  Stone fruit season is here
6.  An afternoon off last Tuesday (went to see Iron Man 2.  Brilliant.)
7.  Yarn (and knitting)
8.  All the Beautiful Blogging Mommas out there (so I know I am not alone)
9.  Creativity (mine & others - even when I judge myself for not doing enough, I am glad someone is)
10.  Hot water (I'm going to take a shower now)

Love

Of course I want more sleep.
Of course I want to just space out sometimes.
Or read a book.
Or go to the movies on a whim.
Of course I would like to be able to talk to my friend Jamie for 3 minutes straight without being interrupted by one, or both, of our sons demanding our attention for their own.

Of course!

And, yet...

I have never felt a love this big.
Love, in fact, seems an almost paltry word to describe the I-would-do-anything-whenever-however-whatever-no-matter-what-even-if-it-involved-severing-my-own-limbs-for-this-little-person feeling I carry with me everywhere now.

My heart will never be the same.
(thank G-d)

The Sheets Needed to be Changed Anyway

Thank you, Trent, for pooping on the bed, and thereby ending my weeks-long mantra of 'I'll change the sheets tomorrow'...