Procrastination .or. My House is a F*&%ing Mess

The (not so) Little Dude is asleep.

There are groceries to put away, dishes to wash, a bag to unpack from a trip we returned from a *week* ago, plus a bag to unpack from yesterday's day trip.
I need a shower, my teeth haven't been brushed yet today...in fact I'm still in my pajamas.
Coyote Cat's litter box needs emptying.

But, am I handling any of that with this 1-2 hour reprieve?  Nope.  Here I am, checking Facebook, writing in my blog, maybe going to sneak an episode of TV on Netflix (I'm too embarrassed to even tell you the show).

Take heart, friend.  Whoever you are, however messy your house (or life) seems, I'm right there with you...

Give yourself a break.  Take a walk.  Make a craft with your kiddo.  Nap.  Or read.  Sip hot cocoa.

The dishes will still be there tomorrow.

Why, yes, this is my lovely sink...

{This Moment}

{Inspired by...}

Dec 8

A boy & his Ma-Ma (Monkey)

Whatever

So....I have definitely NOT been blogging every Thursday & Sunday evening, like I said I would.

And, you know what? I don't care.

I have this little reminder alarm that pops up & tells me it's time to blog, and I keep ignoring it.

I am a seriously busy kitty these days:

Trent is almost 17 months now & running around like crazy, singing up a storm, and generally enchanting & driving me nuts in almost equal parts. Plus, uninterrupted sleep is still rare commodity - so sometimes it's really all I can do to show up. Good thing showing up is 90%, right?

I am also in a three-month yoga teacher training, and it is kicking my butt - both mentally & physically. I am in class for five hours every Saturday & Sunday until mid-December (plus, a couple hours every Tuesday & Friday evening). Muscles I didn't know I had are sore, and I am spending much of Trent's sleeping time doing homework or attempting some home practice time.
And: I LOVE IT.

Then there's the fact that I'm moving to Sebastopol (and hour away) in December, so I'm showing my place & starting to sort through Trent & my stuff to see what we can get rid of now, so I don't have to pack it. It's a process I actually really enjoy - I just wish I had more time & wasn't so gosh darn tired...

So, anyway - fuck blogging twice a week.

I'll see you when I see you, and at least you'll know I really wanted to be there.

xoox

This, That & the Other

My little music maker now plays the harmonica, and well.
(I'll try to post a video soon)
He just astounds me.  Every musical instrument he finds, he picks up & learns to play in minutes.  He is a genius - I'm sure of it :)

I liked the guitar & I am very into his drum playing.
But the harmonica, I think, is my favorite yet.
My boy can play the blues!

At the same time, my heart is breaking.
Aching.
I am sure of almost nothing these days.

(Trent just woke up in the middle of my writing, so I went in & we snuggled & nursed & I smelled his wonderful baby head & listened to him breathing & all was peaceful.)

In a world that made sense, The Dad & I - we would still be living together.
We would not hurt so badly around each other.
We would not scramble through the same damn maze, over & over again, only to find ourselves in the same damn dead end, with no fucking cheese.

Love, we are learning, is not enough.

I am praying more & doing yoga.
Reading Mary Oliver:

Wild Geese 

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

And, so, I have begun my yoga teacher training.
It is intense & challenging & full & bright & exciting.
I like being a student again!

What a beautiful, broken, blessed world...

Isn't he beautiful?

He is my Saving Grace.

Tonight

                              (he is so unbelievably beautiful when he sleeps - it breaks my heart)

I fell asleep while putting Trent to bed (around 7:30p) tonight.

I woke up around 8:30p & felt so achingly lonely...
The house was dark & all the doors & windows were open & it was very, very still and quiet.

I think this is the (empty) place inside myself I need to sit in right now.

This morning...

...I thought I was going to go *crazy*!

Please, baby, please:  just sleep for a few more minutes!
Please, baby, please:  stop kicking me in the gut!
Please, baby, please:  eat one more bite of eggs!

(stop crying for one minute, sit still, take your medicine, and (for G-d's sake!) go back to sleep!!!!)

And, the house is in complete chaos, the dishes need to be done, there are books & toys *everywhere*, I'm still hungry, I'm tired, I don't want to sleep, we are getting a new street & the noise & the smells are awful...  I could go on.

So....

::10 Things I am Actually Grateful for Right Now::

1.  The baby is sleeping
2.  The baby is sleeping
3.  The baby is still sleeping
4.  The cup of blackberry/sage tea I am brewing for myself (with milk & honey)
5.  Stone fruit season is here
6.  An afternoon off last Tuesday (went to see Iron Man 2.  Brilliant.)
7.  Yarn (and knitting)
8.  All the Beautiful Blogging Mommas out there (so I know I am not alone)
9.  Creativity (mine & others - even when I judge myself for not doing enough, I am glad someone is)
10.  Hot water (I'm going to take a shower now)

Love

Of course I want more sleep.
Of course I want to just space out sometimes.
Or read a book.
Or go to the movies on a whim.
Of course I would like to be able to talk to my friend Jamie for 3 minutes straight without being interrupted by one, or both, of our sons demanding our attention for their own.

Of course!

And, yet...

I have never felt a love this big.
Love, in fact, seems an almost paltry word to describe the I-would-do-anything-whenever-however-whatever-no-matter-what-even-if-it-involved-severing-my-own-limbs-for-this-little-person feeling I carry with me everywhere now.

My heart will never be the same.
(thank G-d)