Tretn Teaching Iara to Play Basketball

There are times I doubt myself as a Mother.  And then I remember:  I gave them the best gift possible.  I gave them each other.

1/30 - Today I Forgot About My Daughter

Today is Day 1 of a challenge I set for myself - to write every day for the month of May & simply tell the truth:  Good.  Bad.  Beautiful.  Ugly.  Embarrassing.  Exciting.  Titillating.  Boring.
Whatever - so long as it's the truth for that day (or moment)...

(If I'd been more on it, I would have started May 1st, but - Oh well - that's sort of how my life goes these days)

So, today, I took the kids to the 5th birthday party of one of my son's best friends.  They've been in preschool together for the last three years & Trent just loves him.  And I really like their family.  And their youngest really like Iara.  Wins all 'round!

And we had a great time - until it came time for the Birthday Boy to open his presents & suddenly all the other children (including Trent) descended on the poor boy like f*cking vultures, offering to 'help' him open his presents; screaming; elbowing each other; and generally acting like little beasts.

This is a bad situation for Trent, who gets really overwhelmed, but can't seem to pull himself out of the group.  I could see he was starting to get frustrated, and he started pushing himself closer & yelling, and I kept having him move out of the group, or at least in the midst of kids I know he does well with (and who do well with him) - and away from a couple kids he was clearly 'sparking' with.

And then, after about 15 minutes of this, I suddenly realize I have no idea where Iara is!

And I had a mini panic attack.

And she was fine - standing about 10 feet away, seemingly totally in her own world.

Some other parents noticed all this & said they'd asked her if she wanted to come closer & she kept saying 'no'.

And I felt simultaneously relieved that other people had been taking care of Iara & *totally embarrassed* that I had been witnessed in the act of *forgetting all about my 16 month old daughter*!!!

Seriously, what kind of a parent does that?!?!?

I am losing my mind...

He Rides A Bike Now

My heart hurts a little every time he rides away.  He is growing up, and Joy & Loss are constant bedfellows...
i don't even want to think about when he goes to kindergarten.
Somebody please hold me.

Four

Trent,

My firstborn, my love, the one who made me a Mama.

What can I even say to you, for you, about you.

You amaze me.  You astound me.  You humble me.  You. Are. A. Force.  A force of nature.

You are so ALIVE.  And so beautiful, you take my breath away.

Today you are four.  FOUR!

Four seems like such a leap from three.

Three was still little; almost still a toddler & four - well, four is KID.

You run SO fast & jump SO high.

You choose your clothes & dress yourself.  You like to play a game where I say I don't think you can get your clothes on by yourself & then you do.  You never tire of this game.

You are climbing trees & on top of the play structure.  You like to scare you Mama.

You are wicked-fast on your skuut & today me & Daddy gave you your first pedal bike.  You & Daddy practiced all day today, and even though it was hard & you got frustrated, you kept wanting to try.

Your love is HUGE & your heart is so tender.  You care very much.

The other day you yelled at Angel, when she stepped on a Roley-Poley bug:  "That's not OK! Roley-Poley's are our friends!!!"  Although at the time I asked you to use a softer voice & not yell in her face, I actually felt really proud of you for standing up for something you care(d) about in a righteous way.

I can tell your path may not always be easy, but it will always be yours.  The strength of your conviction is strong - and that is a gift.

You wear dresses & you fight with swords.

You love unicorns & you turn everything into a gun. (which drives your Mama crazy!)

You love basketball & you're actually really good at it!

You memory is amazing - crazy-sharp!

You are my absolute greatest teacher & I bow to you every day.

There is no greater privilege in my life.

I love you, Trent Carlo - as big as the ocean & all the creatures in it, with none missing.

Love,
Mama

On Fire

Trent:  What song is this, Mama?

Me:  This song is called 'I'm on Fire' & it's by Bruce Springsteen.

Trent (after a few moments & looking perplexed):  Where is he on fire?

**LOVE HIM***

A Lot of Work

Conversation with Trent before bed.  He is building with his leggos.

Me:  Time to brush your teeth!

Trent:  I'm still working!  I have a lot of work to do...

Me:  OK - just a couple more minutes & then it's time for us to brush our teeth.

As I walk away, I hear Trent saying to himself:  A lot, a lot, a lot a LOT of work to do!

And, then, about two minutes later, he walks up to me & says:  OK Mama - I'm done.  Let's go brush our teeth.

Oh.  Wow.

{These Moments}

{inspired by}

He asked to paint.  He even asked for the (T-shirt) smock to paint in.

Eating minor's lettuce.  That he found & identified.  All by himself.

First crocuses of spring!!

Recent Rainy Day Fun

Taking the Mail Out

Life Is Like This

I tend to vacillate between too much to say & nothing at all. 

I have about 20 partially-written blog posts, ranging from Waldorf education to my experience weaning to 2Pac to a love letter to my (emotionally) unavailable lover...  I wish I had 3 uninterrupted days (with my house already clean & my inbox empty) to write & write & write -and- I'm tempted to just delete them all & start fresh...

I tend to vacillate between feeling totally blessed & like a f&*king hopeless mess.

Lately I've been noticing how many unfinished knitting projects I have lying around.  I'm not drawn to completing any of them.  I'd rather find a new & exciting project to start...

This morning I yelled at Trent because I wanted to be left alone for a couple minutes in the bathroom.  He cried.  I cried.  Sometimes the never-ending-ness of (single) motherhood really gets to me & I just lose my sh*t.

This evening we shared an absolutely gorgeous time in the garden:  me pruning, Trent raking up the fallen branches & vines.  Then I said 'yes' to an impromptu trip to the ice cream shop before dinner.  And Trent adventured & played & rode his bike outside for an hour as the sky grew dark & I cooked amazing chicken & broccoli (that Trent asked for more & more & more of).

Life is just like that.

(chocolate ice cream coma)

(every day his sweet, open face breaks my heart.  he is teaching me how to really love.  and, also, forgiveness.)

Dec 3rd

"Hello."  "Oh, hello"  "What's you're name?"  "Cashew.  What's your name?"  "Cashew, too."

Wheezbra

What Trent calls:

Some things I hope he never learns the 'right' words for...

{This Moment}

(Inspired by...)

I'm breaking the 'rules' today.
Because I couldn't choose just one moment.
Because I so rarely include myself in these moments.
Because I am a mother & also a lover.
Because....

{This Moment}

{Inspired by...}

{This Moment}

{Inspired by...}

{This Moment}

{Inspired by}

{This Moment}

(Inspired By...)

20/100 (a Non-Bucket-List Bucket List) -or - I am A Work in Progress

1.  Birth at home with no one there but me & The Dad & Jamie (& maybe Trent)
2.  Produce (at least) 50% of what we eat from my own land
3.  Take a workshop with Ina May
4.  Catch a baby other than my own
5.  Girlfriend Southwest hot springs road trip/tour
6.  Assist for Manouso Manos
7.  500 Hour Iyengar teacher training
8.  Study with BKS Iyengar in Pune
9.  Fall in love without fear
10.  Look in the mirror without judgement
11.  Have all my metal fillings replaced with non-metal
12.  Hike the Appalachian Trail
13.  Learn Sanskrit
14.  WOOF (Italy, New Zealand, Chile...)
15.  Family trip to Africa
16.  Yearly Hawaii trip to visit Crazy Uncle Jim & the spinners
17.  Swim with whales
18.  Learn to surf (for real)
19.  Bees!
20.  Apprentice (to lead sweat lodges (and then actually lead them!)) with Tim

Would I really be incomplete if I didn't do any one, five, or all twenty, of these things?
I doubt it.
The point is to Live Big.  Live For Real.  Risk it all & Trust.
These are all just access points.  To love & enjoy this (precious) world; this (precious) life.

I love what Misplaced Mama says:
"Manifestations comes from seeing all the flowers in front of our eyes right now. Saying thank you during each step. Throwing away our lists. Burning our vision boards. Destroying The Secret. The secret is this! Don’t keep any secrets. Say thank you and please while you’re at it. Enjoy the jeans with the holey crotch. Buy new ones when you can. Smile at the mess in the living room and stop looking in other people’s windows and wishing. Stop thinking about the life you always thought you’d have and live the one you got."

So, some gratitude, while I'm at it:

1.  Trent (Trent, always Trent)
2.  Living here
3.  Him & Him & Him
4.  Yoga
5.  Making my living loving people
6.  Still having friends I've known my whole life
7.  Water
8.  Growing up at Tassajara
9.  Living most of my life in places that get (really) dark at night
10.  All those who throw caution to the wind & do what they love (most)

Big Love.

From The Garden & In The Garden

Apples, raspberries, plums, plums, plums, strawberries, a peach (or three), pumpkins, tomatoes (cherry & slicers), (very few) cucumbers, sunflowers galore, beans (both green & shelling), kale, chard, carrots, beets, basil, rhubarb, onions, (surprisingly few) zucchini & crook neck squash, (some) peas, mint, thyme, oregano...

June, July, August, September -or- Life is Good

Mama-Love

Wild-Haired Artist-Boy

Held

Blossoming

Grateful For

Unbearable Lightness of Being

Moooooooo

Big Guy!

Tender

Turtle-Friend

The Last Moon Before He Came Home

Mimi's