3/30

So, clearly, these posts are not going to be every day...
That *was* the plan, but:  damn the plan - I just can't get it together to write every day!
There will be Thirty Posts of Truth.

Today.  Tonight.  What is True, with a capital 'T'?

Right here.  Right now.

My body is a good kind of tired.  The kind that comes from doing some yoga (not today - yesterday) & being in the sun maybe just a little too much (that was today).

My mind feels smooth.

Earlier I felt over-tired & anxious.
I had things to do that I was avoiding.

I still have one challenging email to write, but I have a friend to check in with first - I don't want to write the email from a place of reactivity or collapse...
So, I reached out to a friend.  And, it's funny - she's a woman I've known a long time now & we've shared a lot - but, over the last several years, I've distanced myself from her.  I've created stories that she doesn't really like me.  That she's not 'on my team'...
But, I started to notice that when I was *actually with her* I liked her, I enjoyed her & I felt good being with her.
So, I've been slowly walking myself back onto the path of friendship & it feel tender.

And, this call I put out to her, it feels tender too.

It's about work, but not really.
It's about whether I'm valued.  Whether I'm being accepted or rejected.
It's about how do I go about valuing myself without being an entitled prima donna...

So, the Truth about my work right now is:  I don't have any paying clients.
The Truth is:  In the sessions I'm doing, there are moments that feel exquisite & other moments where I find myself trying to get somewhere.
The Truth is:  I'm terrified to put myself & my work out there.  Terrified of being rejected.  Terrified I'm actually no good at coaching or course leading.  Terrified I'll never make money at it.  Terrified I'll have to fall back on something else that's boring or that I hate & that I'll be stuck poor with two kids forever.

1/30 - Today I Forgot About My Daughter

Today is Day 1 of a challenge I set for myself - to write every day for the month of May & simply tell the truth:  Good.  Bad.  Beautiful.  Ugly.  Embarrassing.  Exciting.  Titillating.  Boring.
Whatever - so long as it's the truth for that day (or moment)...

(If I'd been more on it, I would have started May 1st, but - Oh well - that's sort of how my life goes these days)

So, today, I took the kids to the 5th birthday party of one of my son's best friends.  They've been in preschool together for the last three years & Trent just loves him.  And I really like their family.  And their youngest really like Iara.  Wins all 'round!

And we had a great time - until it came time for the Birthday Boy to open his presents & suddenly all the other children (including Trent) descended on the poor boy like f*cking vultures, offering to 'help' him open his presents; screaming; elbowing each other; and generally acting like little beasts.

This is a bad situation for Trent, who gets really overwhelmed, but can't seem to pull himself out of the group.  I could see he was starting to get frustrated, and he started pushing himself closer & yelling, and I kept having him move out of the group, or at least in the midst of kids I know he does well with (and who do well with him) - and away from a couple kids he was clearly 'sparking' with.

And then, after about 15 minutes of this, I suddenly realize I have no idea where Iara is!

And I had a mini panic attack.

And she was fine - standing about 10 feet away, seemingly totally in her own world.

Some other parents noticed all this & said they'd asked her if she wanted to come closer & she kept saying 'no'.

And I felt simultaneously relieved that other people had been taking care of Iara & *totally embarrassed* that I had been witnessed in the act of *forgetting all about my 16 month old daughter*!!!

Seriously, what kind of a parent does that?!?!?

I am losing my mind...

Cyclical, Circular *or* She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain When She Comes

Today I watched this amazing commencement speech (by David Foster Wallace):

And I thought:  Yes, yes, YES!!!
And I cried a little bit - hearing him acknowledge the tedium of being alive.

Jesus, sometimes what it takes to get through the day is just so fucking mind numbing, and it's refreshing, actually to hear someone say it.

Today was one of the good days.  One of the days where I do things that make me feel accomplished & connected; one of the days where I feed myself well; one of the days where I make it out for a walk to drink in the beauty of where I live.
And I found that the blueberries were ripe.  The ones on public land.  Near my house.  And I ate them by the hand-full, right off the bush.
And Life felt GOOD.

Plus, Daddy #2 & I reconnected, and I was able to stay in the sweet spot:  you know the one:  where I am firm & also open-hearted.  I stood my ground & said:  this is not OK, and I also said:  we love you.
And, when he said, "I hate you", I felt practically giddy; started laughing.
Sometimes the truth is all it takes.

And he came over & cried with the baby.

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Now I am sitting downstairs in the dark, writing - listening to the baby (hopefully) coo herself to sleep in her basket.
She is such a different baby than my first.
And I am also a different Mama.

I don't think I ever would have tried this with the first, but I also think he would have cried instead of just talking to himself...

Sometimes she will lie on my bed & just stare out the window, looking at the wind move the leaves on the tree outside my window.....for, like, five whole minutes.  Not making a sound; not wanting anything.

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Daddy #1 took our first-born to the city for a bit.
They went to a ball-game & did fun city things.  Things I might enjoy, but probably not with my kid.  When he gets all hyped up, I get all stressed out.
They have their rhythm(s) & we have ours...

Baby girl & I find a different rhythm without Big Brother.
I miss him SO much & I see her looking around for him - and, then, there's something nice about the quiet & not needing to try to balance both of their needs, which are so different right now:  the 4 year old boy & the 6 month old girl...

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It's hard to not occasionally regret not doing more with him before she was born:  more running, more jumping, more getting into the sandbox & the bath-tub with him

Two is hard.
One was still kinda free & sexy.
One meant there were still periods of being alone & doing my own thing.
Two is frumpy & perpetually smelling of something:  sweat, mama-milk, spit-up, whatever the older one just wiped on my pants...
Two is *never* alone.
Two is some serious fucking touch overload!

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Though I find that I still want to have sex.
That I am not so touch-saturated that I don't want the touch of an adult.

Of course, it's all hypothetical right now, so who the fuck really knows.

Sometimes I think we would get along better if we were still lovers.
Or maybe that's the worst idea ever.

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Yesterday was staying up too late, eating too much sugar, watching a movie.
And today I feel like I can take on the world.

Cycles & rhythms.
Sometimes we have a choice & sometimes we don't.

And Then There Were Two...

It says something about life with two kids that she was born on Dec 13th & I'm only just now posting this...

Iara Blue Alves Cunov
Born at home
7lbs 9oz

Healthy, beautiful & a total LOVE