From The Garden & In The Garden

Apples, raspberries, plums, plums, plums, strawberries, a peach (or three), pumpkins, tomatoes (cherry & slicers), (very few) cucumbers, sunflowers galore, beans (both green & shelling), kale, chard, carrots, beets, basil, rhubarb, onions, (surprisingly few) zucchini & crook neck squash, (some) peas, mint, thyme, oregano...

{This Moment}

(Inspired by SouleMama)

On Being Alone

I was re-reading a quote by David Whyte I recently posted to my Facebook profile:  'To feel abandoned is to deny the intimacy of your surroundings.' & enjoying the comments from friends about how they loved it, blah, blah, blah...

And I realized I was feeling abandoned *right then* & not really taking in my own advice (via the quote).

Sitting here in my own loneliness.  Some days a quote like that can crack the door just enough for a full inhalation to sweep in & clear my mind.  Tonight I feel stuck in it.

I stopped for a moment & looked around.  What are my surroundings?  What intimacy am I denying?  The soft light in my room, walls warmly painted, bed & comforter so cozy, new clean sheets, a cat for G-d's sake:  a real live warm fuzzy creature snuggled next to me, purring...

My heart still feels heavy.
Joy eludes me tonight.
I want, I want, I want, I want...something...something to feel different.
To know where I belong.
I am waiting for someone else to step forward & offer me a spot.  To say:  Here.  Come here.  You belong here.
And to hold me tight.

The only practice I know is to stay right here.  To feel it all.  To distract myself just a little.  And then to come back home to myself.  Again & again & again.

Sometimes it's not enough.

And, of course, it's always actually enough.

June, July, August, September -or- Life is Good

Mama-Love

Wild-Haired Artist-Boy

Held

Blossoming

Grateful For

Unbearable Lightness of Being

Moooooooo

Big Guy!

Tender

Turtle-Friend

The Last Moon Before He Came Home

Mimi's

What Do I Really Know?

Pretty much Nothing, as it turns out.

Every time I think I'm starting to get it - this life, or my life, or being a Mama, or how to be happy, or whatever - figured out.  Well, to be kind, let's just say that's usually when all hell breaks loose.

Luckily I seem to be getting more adept at sitting in midst of chaos & letting it burn.  Burn up this crazy ego of mine that wants everything exactly the way I want it, and NOW.  Have I mentioned before I hate not getting what I want?  That I hate not getting my way?  That I can be an absolute child about having to consider other people?

Yeah.  Super-fun.  Especially since I'm the Mama now & there is an actual child in the house.  Also demanding to get his way, and NOW!

........................................................................................................................................................................

And, am I surprised that my child is intense?  Is prone to fits of rage?  Throws & hits & screams in frustration?

Nope.

He is my child after all.  And his Dad's.  And we are, neither of us, smooth & peaceful creatures.  We both carry in us that heat; that spark; that iron & steel.  We are instigators; lighters of fires.  It is only in the past few years I have even begun to discover the (much vaster) potential of water; of love; the power in being capable of flow.

For the past two years, Trent has been teaching me almost daily:  Open Mama, open...
Any place I'm rigid, he breaks me {open}.
His love is so big.  I am humbled.

Who am I that I get to be his Mama?
As Marianne Williams says:  Who am I not to be?!?

An endless journey into Not Knowing.  Trusting.  Learning.  And letting go...