Today I watched this amazing commencement speech (by David Foster Wallace):
And I thought: Yes, yes, YES!!!
And I cried a little bit - hearing him acknowledge the tedium of being alive.
Jesus, sometimes what it takes to get through the day is just so fucking mind numbing, and it's refreshing, actually to hear someone say it.
Today was one of the good days. One of the days where I do things that make me feel accomplished & connected; one of the days where I feed myself well; one of the days where I make it out for a walk to drink in the beauty of where I live.
And I found that the blueberries were ripe. The ones on public land. Near my house. And I ate them by the hand-full, right off the bush.
And Life felt GOOD.
Plus, Daddy #2 & I reconnected, and I was able to stay in the sweet spot: you know the one: where I am firm & also open-hearted. I stood my ground & said: this is not OK, and I also said: we love you.
And, when he said, "I hate you", I felt practically giddy; started laughing.
Sometimes the truth is all it takes.
And he came over & cried with the baby.
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Now I am sitting downstairs in the dark, writing - listening to the baby (hopefully) coo herself to sleep in her basket.
She is such a different baby than my first.
And I am also a different Mama.
I don't think I ever would have tried this with the first, but I also think he would have cried instead of just talking to himself...
Sometimes she will lie on my bed & just stare out the window, looking at the wind move the leaves on the tree outside my window.....for, like, five whole minutes. Not making a sound; not wanting anything.
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Daddy #1 took our first-born to the city for a bit.
They went to a ball-game & did fun city things. Things I might enjoy, but probably not with my kid. When he gets all hyped up, I get all stressed out.
They have their rhythm(s) & we have ours...
Baby girl & I find a different rhythm without Big Brother.
I miss him SO much & I see her looking around for him - and, then, there's something nice about the quiet & not needing to try to balance both of their needs, which are so different right now: the 4 year old boy & the 6 month old girl...
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It's hard to not occasionally regret not doing more with him before she was born: more running, more jumping, more getting into the sandbox & the bath-tub with him
Two is hard.
One was still kinda free & sexy.
One meant there were still periods of being alone & doing my own thing.
Two is frumpy & perpetually smelling of something: sweat, mama-milk, spit-up, whatever the older one just wiped on my pants...
Two is *never* alone.
Two is some serious fucking touch overload!
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Though I find that I still want to have sex.
That I am not so touch-saturated that I don't want the touch of an adult.
Of course, it's all hypothetical right now, so who the fuck really knows.
Sometimes I think we would get along better if we were still lovers.
Or maybe that's the worst idea ever.
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Yesterday was staying up too late, eating too much sugar, watching a movie.
And today I feel like I can take on the world.
Cycles & rhythms.
Sometimes we have a choice & sometimes we don't.
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