Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Hide Nothing

{Inspired by...}

Sometimes I'm totally bored of being with my child.

Sometimes I wish I'd never had a kid.

I'm secretly hoping to get accidentally pregnant.
(I think I may be crazy)

Sometimes I hate families with two parents. 
But, really, I secretly envy them.

I would get electrolysis if I could afford it & didn't think people would judge me.
I'd probably also get a boob job if I thought it would look natural & I didn't think people would judge me.

I judge people who don't breast feed.

I once spent $1000 on clothes because I was mad at Him for sleeping with another woman.

I have cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had.

I once lied to a credit card company & told them my card had been stolen, so I wouldn't have to pay for the last few times I used that card.

I had an abortion.

I'm terrified my parents will find this blog.

I'm scared to tell my parents I'm getting divorced.  Even though they probably already know.  I mean, I've been living separately from my husband for almost 2 years now.

One of the reasons I haven't (officially) gotten divorced yet is that I'm afraid I won't be able to support myself on my own.
Another reason I haven't (officially) gotten divorced yet is that I still sometimes think we'll work it out.

One of the reasons I dye my hair is so no one will see I'm starting to go gray.

I do.  not.  like.  the wrinkles forming between my eyebrows.
I'm OK with the ones at the corners of my eyes.

I have pretty much always been afraid I was fat - since I was about 11 - except for about the 6 months before I got pregnant.

I loved being pregnant.  So.  Much.
One of the reasons I want another baby is so I can be pregnant again.
And give birth again.

I am totally jealous of other people's success.  Especially their successful relationships.

I secretly wish bad things upon people I've felt hurt by.

I often feel lonely.
I feel angry most of the time.

I'm obsessed with really expensive jeans & boots.

I sometimes ignore my kid to write in this blog.

I'm afraid I may not do anything worthwhile with my life.

Monday, September 19, 2011

20/100 (a Non-Bucket-List Bucket List) -or - I am A Work in Progress

1.  Birth at home with no one there but me & The Dad & Jamie (& maybe Trent)
2.  Produce (at least) 50% of what we eat from my own land
3.  Take a workshop with Ina May
4.  Catch a baby other than my own
5.  Girlfriend Southwest hot springs road trip/tour
6.  Assist for Manouso Manos
7.  500 Hour Iyengar teacher training
8.  Study with BKS Iyengar in Pune
9.  Fall in love without fear
10.  Look in the mirror without judgement
11.  Have all my metal fillings replaced with non-metal
12.  Hike the Appalachian Trail
13.  Learn Sanskrit
14.  WOOF (Italy, New Zealand, Chile...)
15.  Family trip to Africa
16.  Yearly Hawaii trip to visit Crazy Uncle Jim & the spinners
17.  Swim with whales
18.  Learn to surf (for real)
19.  Bees!
20.  Apprentice (to lead sweat lodges (and then actually lead them!)) with Tim

Would I really be incomplete if I didn't do any one, five, or all twenty, of these things?
I doubt it.
The point is to Live Big.  Live For Real.  Risk it all & Trust.
These are all just access points.  To love & enjoy this (precious) world; this (precious) life.

I love what Misplaced Mama says:
"Manifestations comes from seeing all the flowers in front of our eyes right now. Saying thank you during each step. Throwing away our lists. Burning our vision boards. Destroying The Secret. The secret is this! Don’t keep any secrets. Say thank you and please while you’re at it. Enjoy the jeans with the holey crotch. Buy new ones when you can. Smile at the mess in the living room and stop looking in other people’s windows and wishing. Stop thinking about the life you always thought you’d have and live the one you got."

So, some gratitude, while I'm at it:

1.  Trent (Trent, always Trent)
2.  Living here
3.  Him & Him & Him
4.  Yoga
5.  Making my living loving people
6.  Still having friends I've known my whole life
7.  Water
8.  Growing up at Tassajara
9.  Living most of my life in places that get (really) dark at night
10.  All those who throw caution to the wind & do what they love (most)

Big Love.

Friday, September 16, 2011

From The Garden & In The Garden

Apples, raspberries, plums, plums, plums, strawberries, a peach (or three), pumpkins, tomatoes (cherry & slicers), (very few) cucumbers, sunflowers galore, beans (both green & shelling), kale, chard, carrots, beets, basil, rhubarb, onions, (surprisingly few) zucchini & crook neck squash, (some) peas, mint, thyme, oregano...

{This Moment}

(Inspired by SouleMama)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

On Being Alone

I was re-reading a quote by David Whyte I recently posted to my Facebook profile:  'To feel abandoned is to deny the intimacy of your surroundings.' & enjoying the comments from friends about how they loved it, blah, blah, blah...

And I realized I was feeling abandoned *right then* & not really taking in my own advice (via the quote).

Sitting here in my own loneliness.  Some days a quote like that can crack the door just enough for a full inhalation to sweep in & clear my mind.  Tonight I feel stuck in it.

I stopped for a moment & looked around.  What are my surroundings?  What intimacy am I denying?  The soft light in my room, walls warmly painted, bed & comforter so cozy, new clean sheets, a cat for G-d's sake:  a real live warm fuzzy creature snuggled next to me, purring...

My heart still feels heavy.
Joy eludes me tonight.
I want, I want, I want, I want...something...something to feel different.
To know where I belong.
I am waiting for someone else to step forward & offer me a spot.  To say:  Here.  Come here.  You belong here.
And to hold me tight.

The only practice I know is to stay right here.  To feel it all.  To distract myself just a little.  And then to come back home to myself.  Again & again & again.

Sometimes it's not enough.

And, of course, it's always actually enough.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

June, July, August, September -or- Life is Good


Wild-Haired Artist-Boy



Grateful For

Unbearable Lightness of Being


Big Guy!



The Last Moon Before He Came Home


What Do I Really Know?

Pretty much Nothing, as it turns out.

Every time I think I'm starting to get it - this life, or my life, or being a Mama, or how to be happy, or whatever - figured out.  Well, to be kind, let's just say that's usually when all hell breaks loose.

Luckily I seem to be getting more adept at sitting in midst of chaos & letting it burn.  Burn up this crazy ego of mine that wants everything exactly the way I want it, and NOW.  Have I mentioned before I hate not getting what I want?  That I hate not getting my way?  That I can be an absolute child about having to consider other people?

Yeah.  Super-fun.  Especially since I'm the Mama now & there is an actual child in the house.  Also demanding to get his way, and NOW!


And, am I surprised that my child is intense?  Is prone to fits of rage?  Throws & hits & screams in frustration?


He is my child after all.  And his Dad's.  And we are, neither of us, smooth & peaceful creatures.  We both carry in us that heat; that spark; that iron & steel.  We are instigators; lighters of fires.  It is only in the past few years I have even begun to discover the (much vaster) potential of water; of love; the power in being capable of flow.

For the past two years, Trent has been teaching me almost daily:  Open Mama, open...
Any place I'm rigid, he breaks me {open}.
His love is so big.  I am humbled.

Who am I that I get to be his Mama?
As Marianne Williams says:  Who am I not to be?!?

An endless journey into Not Knowing.  Trusting.  Learning.  And letting go...