Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Sometimes Humor Helps

This is some of the funniest sh*t ever:  Damn You AutoCorrect

Seriously.  I laughed so hard, I peed my pants.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Dec 3rd

"Hello."  "Oh, hello"  "What's you're name?"  "Cashew.  What's your name?"  "Cashew, too."

Friday, December 2, 2011

Dec 1st & 2nd

Once again, Trent & I will be joining the December Photo Project
And, once again, we're starting a little late :P
Oh well...

Except for a brief period in my 20's when I decided to hate Christmas (decided to hate pretty much everything, actually...), I've always loved this time of year.  Even on our shoe-string budget, my mom always made Christmas a beautiful & bountiful event when I was a kid & now that I have a kid, I'm excited all over again:  for Advent, to decorate a tree, make cookies, meet Santa...

Dec 1 - the candle Trent I made to light each night before picking an Advent pocket

Dec 2: December weather so warm, sunflowers are starting to sprout...


It it weird to be in love with a man I've never met?
I give thanks for this lineage every day...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


What Trent calls:

Some things I hope he never learns the 'right' words for...

Monday, November 14, 2011

Over It .or. I have Nothing More to Add

Over It
-by Eve Ensler

I am over rape.

I am over rape culture, rape mentality, rape pages on Facebook.
I am over the thousands of people who signed those pages with their real names without shame.
I am over people demanding their right to rape pages, and calling it freedom of speech or justifying it as a joke.

I am over people not understanding that rape is not a joke and I am over being told I don't have a sense of humor, and women don't have a sense of humor, when most women I know (and I know a lot) are really fucking funny. We just don't think that uninvited penises up our anus, or our vagina is a laugh riot.

I am over how long it seems to take anyone to ever respond to rape.
I am over Facebook taking weeks to take down rape pages.

I am over the hundreds of thousands of women in Congo still waiting for the rapes to end and the rapists to be held accountable.
I am over the thousands of women in Bosnia, Burma, Pakistan, South Africa, Guatemala, Sierra Leone, Haiti, Afghanistan, Libya, you name a place, still waiting for justice.

I am over rape happening in broad daylight.

I am over the 207 clinics in Ecuador supported by the government that are capturing, raping, and torturing lesbians to make them straight.

I am over one in three women in the U.S military (Happy Veterans Day!) getting raped by their so-called "comrades."

I am over the forces that deny women who have been raped the right to have an abortion.

I am over the fact that after four women came forward with allegations that Herman Cain groped them and grabbed them and humiliated them, he is still running for the President of the United States.
And I'm over CNBC debate host Maria Bartiromo getting booed when she asked him about it. She was booed, not Herman Cain.

Which reminds me, I am so over the students at Penn State who protested the justice system instead of the alleged rapist pedophile of at least 8 boys, or his boss Joe Paterno, who did nothing to protect those children after knowing what was happening to them.

I am over rape victims becoming re-raped when they go public.

I am over starving Somalian women being raped at the Dadaab refugee camp in Kenya, and I am over women getting raped at Occupy Wall Street and being quiet about it because they were protecting a movement which is fighting to end the pillaging and raping of the economy and the earth, as if the rape of their bodies was something separate.

I am over women still being silent about rape, because they are made to believe it's their fault or they did something to make it happen.

I am over violence against women not being a #1 international priority when one out of three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime -- the destruction and muting and undermining of women is the destruction of life itself.

No women, no future, duh.

I am over this rape culture where the privileged with political and physical and economic might, take what and who they want, when they want it, as much as they want, any time they want it.
I am over the endless resurrection of the careers of rapists and sexual exploiters -- film directors, world leaders, corporate executives, movie stars, athletes -- while the lives of the women they violated are permanently destroyed, often forcing them to live in social and emotional exile.

I am over the passivity of good men. Where the hell are you?
You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren't you standing with us? Why aren't you driven to the point of madness and action by the rape and humiliation of us?

I am over years and years of being over rape.

And thinking about rape every day of my life since I was 5-years-old.

And getting sick from rape, and depressed from rape, and enraged by rape.

And reading my insanely crowded inbox of rape horror stories every hour of every single day.

I am over being polite about rape. It's been too long now, we have been too understanding.

We need to OCCUPYRAPE in every school, park, radio, TV station, household, office, factory, refugee camp, military base, back room, night club, alleyway, courtroom, UN office. We need people to truly try and imagine -- once and for all -- what it feels like to have your body invaded, your mind splintered, your soul shattered. We need to let our rage and our compassion connect us so we can change the paradigm of global rape.

There are approximately one billion women on the planet who have been violated.


The time is now. Prepare for the escalation.

Today it begins, moving toward February 14, 2013, when one billion women will rise to end rape.
Because we are over it.

Spread the word:

Procrastination .or. My House is a F*&%ing Mess

The (not so) Little Dude is asleep.

There are groceries to put away, dishes to wash, a bag to unpack from a trip we returned from a *week* ago, plus a bag to unpack from yesterday's day trip.
I need a shower, my teeth haven't been brushed yet fact I'm still in my pajamas.
Coyote Cat's litter box needs emptying.

But, am I handling any of that with this 1-2 hour reprieve?  Nope.  Here I am, checking Facebook, writing in my blog, maybe going to sneak an episode of TV on Netflix (I'm too embarrassed to even tell you the show).

Take heart, friend.  Whoever you are, however messy your house (or life) seems, I'm right there with you...

Give yourself a break.  Take a walk.  Make a craft with your kiddo.  Nap.  Or read.  Sip hot cocoa.

The dishes will still be there tomorrow.

Why, yes, this is my lovely sink...

Saturday, November 12, 2011

I Went to the Woods Today...

...because I needed to be surrounded by beings much larger, older & wiser than myself...

I walked for a ways & then wrapped myself around a (Madrone) tree & sobbed.
And she held me.

I feel so lost right now.  Unsure how to be a mother, a friend, a lover, a co-parent, a human...

Later, I lay on the ground beneath a huge & gorgeous Redwood.

And she held me too.  And the Earth.
I felt cradled.

There were an abundance of small, magical, beautiful beings...

And I came home with some peace in my heart.

Friday, October 28, 2011

{This Moment}

(Inspired by...)

I'm breaking the 'rules' today.
Because I couldn't choose just one moment.
Because I so rarely include myself in these moments.
Because I am a mother & also a lover.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Hide Nothing

{Inspired by...}

Sometimes I'm totally bored of being with my child.

Sometimes I wish I'd never had a kid.

I'm secretly hoping to get accidentally pregnant.
(I think I may be crazy)

Sometimes I hate families with two parents. 
But, really, I secretly envy them.

I would get electrolysis if I could afford it & didn't think people would judge me.
I'd probably also get a boob job if I thought it would look natural & I didn't think people would judge me.

I judge people who don't breast feed.

I once spent $1000 on clothes because I was mad at Him for sleeping with another woman.

I have cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had.

I once lied to a credit card company & told them my card had been stolen, so I wouldn't have to pay for the last few times I used that card.

I had an abortion.

I'm terrified my parents will find this blog.

I'm scared to tell my parents I'm getting divorced.  Even though they probably already know.  I mean, I've been living separately from my husband for almost 2 years now.

One of the reasons I haven't (officially) gotten divorced yet is that I'm afraid I won't be able to support myself on my own.
Another reason I haven't (officially) gotten divorced yet is that I still sometimes think we'll work it out.

One of the reasons I dye my hair is so no one will see I'm starting to go gray.

I do.  not.  like.  the wrinkles forming between my eyebrows.
I'm OK with the ones at the corners of my eyes.

I have pretty much always been afraid I was fat - since I was about 11 - except for about the 6 months before I got pregnant.

I loved being pregnant.  So.  Much.
One of the reasons I want another baby is so I can be pregnant again.
And give birth again.

I am totally jealous of other people's success.  Especially their successful relationships.

I secretly wish bad things upon people I've felt hurt by.

I often feel lonely.
I feel angry most of the time.

I'm obsessed with really expensive jeans & boots.

I sometimes ignore my kid to write in this blog.

I'm afraid I may not do anything worthwhile with my life.

Monday, September 19, 2011

20/100 (a Non-Bucket-List Bucket List) -or - I am A Work in Progress

1.  Birth at home with no one there but me & The Dad & Jamie (& maybe Trent)
2.  Produce (at least) 50% of what we eat from my own land
3.  Take a workshop with Ina May
4.  Catch a baby other than my own
5.  Girlfriend Southwest hot springs road trip/tour
6.  Assist for Manouso Manos
7.  500 Hour Iyengar teacher training
8.  Study with BKS Iyengar in Pune
9.  Fall in love without fear
10.  Look in the mirror without judgement
11.  Have all my metal fillings replaced with non-metal
12.  Hike the Appalachian Trail
13.  Learn Sanskrit
14.  WOOF (Italy, New Zealand, Chile...)
15.  Family trip to Africa
16.  Yearly Hawaii trip to visit Crazy Uncle Jim & the spinners
17.  Swim with whales
18.  Learn to surf (for real)
19.  Bees!
20.  Apprentice (to lead sweat lodges (and then actually lead them!)) with Tim

Would I really be incomplete if I didn't do any one, five, or all twenty, of these things?
I doubt it.
The point is to Live Big.  Live For Real.  Risk it all & Trust.
These are all just access points.  To love & enjoy this (precious) world; this (precious) life.

I love what Misplaced Mama says:
"Manifestations comes from seeing all the flowers in front of our eyes right now. Saying thank you during each step. Throwing away our lists. Burning our vision boards. Destroying The Secret. The secret is this! Don’t keep any secrets. Say thank you and please while you’re at it. Enjoy the jeans with the holey crotch. Buy new ones when you can. Smile at the mess in the living room and stop looking in other people’s windows and wishing. Stop thinking about the life you always thought you’d have and live the one you got."

So, some gratitude, while I'm at it:

1.  Trent (Trent, always Trent)
2.  Living here
3.  Him & Him & Him
4.  Yoga
5.  Making my living loving people
6.  Still having friends I've known my whole life
7.  Water
8.  Growing up at Tassajara
9.  Living most of my life in places that get (really) dark at night
10.  All those who throw caution to the wind & do what they love (most)

Big Love.

Friday, September 16, 2011

From The Garden & In The Garden

Apples, raspberries, plums, plums, plums, strawberries, a peach (or three), pumpkins, tomatoes (cherry & slicers), (very few) cucumbers, sunflowers galore, beans (both green & shelling), kale, chard, carrots, beets, basil, rhubarb, onions, (surprisingly few) zucchini & crook neck squash, (some) peas, mint, thyme, oregano...

{This Moment}

(Inspired by SouleMama)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

On Being Alone

I was re-reading a quote by David Whyte I recently posted to my Facebook profile:  'To feel abandoned is to deny the intimacy of your surroundings.' & enjoying the comments from friends about how they loved it, blah, blah, blah...

And I realized I was feeling abandoned *right then* & not really taking in my own advice (via the quote).

Sitting here in my own loneliness.  Some days a quote like that can crack the door just enough for a full inhalation to sweep in & clear my mind.  Tonight I feel stuck in it.

I stopped for a moment & looked around.  What are my surroundings?  What intimacy am I denying?  The soft light in my room, walls warmly painted, bed & comforter so cozy, new clean sheets, a cat for G-d's sake:  a real live warm fuzzy creature snuggled next to me, purring...

My heart still feels heavy.
Joy eludes me tonight.
I want, I want, I want, I want...something...something to feel different.
To know where I belong.
I am waiting for someone else to step forward & offer me a spot.  To say:  Here.  Come here.  You belong here.
And to hold me tight.

The only practice I know is to stay right here.  To feel it all.  To distract myself just a little.  And then to come back home to myself.  Again & again & again.

Sometimes it's not enough.

And, of course, it's always actually enough.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

June, July, August, September -or- Life is Good


Wild-Haired Artist-Boy



Grateful For

Unbearable Lightness of Being


Big Guy!



The Last Moon Before He Came Home