I was re-reading a quote by David Whyte I recently posted to my Facebook profile: 'To feel abandoned is to deny the intimacy of your surroundings.' & enjoying the comments from friends about how they loved it, blah, blah, blah...
And I realized I was feeling abandoned *right then* & not really taking in my own advice (via the quote).
Sitting here in my own loneliness. Some days a quote like that can crack the door just enough for a full inhalation to sweep in & clear my mind. Tonight I feel stuck in it.
I stopped for a moment & looked around. What are my surroundings? What intimacy am I denying? The soft light in my room, walls warmly painted, bed & comforter so cozy, new clean sheets, a cat for G-d's sake: a real live warm fuzzy creature snuggled next to me, purring...
My heart still feels heavy.
Joy eludes me tonight.
I want, I want, I want, I want...something...something to feel different.
To know where I belong.
I am waiting for someone else to step forward & offer me a spot. To say: Here. Come here. You belong here.
And to hold me tight.
The only practice I know is to stay right here. To feel it all. To distract myself just a little. And then to come back home to myself. Again & again & again.
Sometimes it's not enough.
And, of course, it's always actually enough.