3/30

So, clearly, these posts are not going to be every day...
That *was* the plan, but:  damn the plan - I just can't get it together to write every day!
There will be Thirty Posts of Truth.

Today.  Tonight.  What is True, with a capital 'T'?

Right here.  Right now.

My body is a good kind of tired.  The kind that comes from doing some yoga (not today - yesterday) & being in the sun maybe just a little too much (that was today).

My mind feels smooth.

Earlier I felt over-tired & anxious.
I had things to do that I was avoiding.

I still have one challenging email to write, but I have a friend to check in with first - I don't want to write the email from a place of reactivity or collapse...
So, I reached out to a friend.  And, it's funny - she's a woman I've known a long time now & we've shared a lot - but, over the last several years, I've distanced myself from her.  I've created stories that she doesn't really like me.  That she's not 'on my team'...
But, I started to notice that when I was *actually with her* I liked her, I enjoyed her & I felt good being with her.
So, I've been slowly walking myself back onto the path of friendship & it feel tender.

And, this call I put out to her, it feels tender too.

It's about work, but not really.
It's about whether I'm valued.  Whether I'm being accepted or rejected.
It's about how do I go about valuing myself without being an entitled prima donna...

So, the Truth about my work right now is:  I don't have any paying clients.
The Truth is:  In the sessions I'm doing, there are moments that feel exquisite & other moments where I find myself trying to get somewhere.
The Truth is:  I'm terrified to put myself & my work out there.  Terrified of being rejected.  Terrified I'm actually no good at coaching or course leading.  Terrified I'll never make money at it.  Terrified I'll have to fall back on something else that's boring or that I hate & that I'll be stuck poor with two kids forever.