Truth 4/30

Challenging:
A coaching session where I felt a little off.  Just not in my groove.  I wanted to be able to serve this woman more deeply than I think I did...

Gratitude:
A beautiful, sweet, fun time playing with friends in the pool & having dinner.  I felt relaxed & part of community.  My heart surging watching one of the other Dad's help Trent.  And swelling with pride watching my fearless son in the pool & how talented he is playing drums.
I belong.

Plus:
I love ginger ale & bourbon.  Yes I do.

3/30

So, clearly, these posts are not going to be every day...
That *was* the plan, but:  damn the plan - I just can't get it together to write every day!
There will be Thirty Posts of Truth.

Today.  Tonight.  What is True, with a capital 'T'?

Right here.  Right now.

My body is a good kind of tired.  The kind that comes from doing some yoga (not today - yesterday) & being in the sun maybe just a little too much (that was today).

My mind feels smooth.

Earlier I felt over-tired & anxious.
I had things to do that I was avoiding.

I still have one challenging email to write, but I have a friend to check in with first - I don't want to write the email from a place of reactivity or collapse...
So, I reached out to a friend.  And, it's funny - she's a woman I've known a long time now & we've shared a lot - but, over the last several years, I've distanced myself from her.  I've created stories that she doesn't really like me.  That she's not 'on my team'...
But, I started to notice that when I was *actually with her* I liked her, I enjoyed her & I felt good being with her.
So, I've been slowly walking myself back onto the path of friendship & it feel tender.

And, this call I put out to her, it feels tender too.

It's about work, but not really.
It's about whether I'm valued.  Whether I'm being accepted or rejected.
It's about how do I go about valuing myself without being an entitled prima donna...

So, the Truth about my work right now is:  I don't have any paying clients.
The Truth is:  In the sessions I'm doing, there are moments that feel exquisite & other moments where I find myself trying to get somewhere.
The Truth is:  I'm terrified to put myself & my work out there.  Terrified of being rejected.  Terrified I'm actually no good at coaching or course leading.  Terrified I'll never make money at it.  Terrified I'll have to fall back on something else that's boring or that I hate & that I'll be stuck poor with two kids forever.

2/30 Ooops...

I forgot to write last night because I was having sex instead.

I'm not sorry.

Iara's Words - 16.5 Months

Book
Sock (Gock)
Broccoli (Coc)
Shoe (Ish)
Hat (At)
Eye/Oyou (Ooyoo)
Nose/Narise (Nees)
Mouth/Boca (Boc)
Belly Button/Umbigo (Bigo)
Water/Agua (Agua-wa-wa)
Cracker/Pretzel/Snack (Caca)
Up
Mama
Nurse (Nus)
Monkey/Macacca/Macaccou (Cacca/Caccou)
Kiss/Biejou (Bej)
No (said in the sweetest way)
Hi
Bye-Bye
Dog (Oof-Oof)
Cat (Mow)
Bird (Caw-caw)
Basketball (Bah-be-bah)

1/30 - Today I Forgot About My Daughter

Today is Day 1 of a challenge I set for myself - to write every day for the month of May & simply tell the truth:  Good.  Bad.  Beautiful.  Ugly.  Embarrassing.  Exciting.  Titillating.  Boring.
Whatever - so long as it's the truth for that day (or moment)...

(If I'd been more on it, I would have started May 1st, but - Oh well - that's sort of how my life goes these days)

So, today, I took the kids to the 5th birthday party of one of my son's best friends.  They've been in preschool together for the last three years & Trent just loves him.  And I really like their family.  And their youngest really like Iara.  Wins all 'round!

And we had a great time - until it came time for the Birthday Boy to open his presents & suddenly all the other children (including Trent) descended on the poor boy like f*cking vultures, offering to 'help' him open his presents; screaming; elbowing each other; and generally acting like little beasts.

This is a bad situation for Trent, who gets really overwhelmed, but can't seem to pull himself out of the group.  I could see he was starting to get frustrated, and he started pushing himself closer & yelling, and I kept having him move out of the group, or at least in the midst of kids I know he does well with (and who do well with him) - and away from a couple kids he was clearly 'sparking' with.

And then, after about 15 minutes of this, I suddenly realize I have no idea where Iara is!

And I had a mini panic attack.

And she was fine - standing about 10 feet away, seemingly totally in her own world.

Some other parents noticed all this & said they'd asked her if she wanted to come closer & she kept saying 'no'.

And I felt simultaneously relieved that other people had been taking care of Iara & *totally embarrassed* that I had been witnessed in the act of *forgetting all about my 16 month old daughter*!!!

Seriously, what kind of a parent does that?!?!?

I am losing my mind...