...but, who has the time?

It's Up to Each of Us

2012-02-10T15:12:00.000-08:00

"Take that Monsanto!"

{This Moment}

2012-02-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

{inspired by {she posts one every Friday; I post whenever I get around to it}}

{and}

Life Is Like This

2012-02-01T22:04:00.000-08:00

I tend to vacillate between too much to say & nothing at all.

I have about 20 partially-written blog posts, ranging from Waldorf education to my experience weaning to 2Pac to a love letter to my (emotionally) unavailable lover... I wish I had 3 uninterrupted days (with my house already clean & my inbox empty) to write & write & write -and- I'm tempted to just delete them all & start fresh...

I tend to vacillate between feeling totally blessed & like a f&*king hopeless mess.

Lately I've been noticing how many unfinished knitting projects I have lying around. I'm not drawn to completing any of them. I'd rather find a new & exciting project to start...

This morning I yelled at Trent because I wanted to be left alone for a couple minutes in the bathroom. He cried. I cried. Sometimes the never-ending-ness of (single) motherhood really gets to me & I just lose my sh*t.

This evening we shared an absolutely gorgeous time in the garden: me pruning, Trent raking up the fallen branches & vines. Then I said 'yes' to an impromptu trip to the ice cream shop before dinner. And Trent adventured & played & rode his bike outside for an hour as the sky grew dark & I cooked amazing chicken & broccoli (that Trent asked for more & more & more of).

Life is just like that.

(chocolate ice cream coma)

(every day his sweet, open face breaks my heart. he is teaching me how to really love. and, also, forgiveness.)

One Tribe Y'all

2011-12-14T13:46:00.001-08:00

Brings tears to my eyes every time...

Sometimes My Heart Feels Like This

2011-12-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

Shed a Little Dark

2011-12-09T09:59:00.000-08:00

"Opening a door to the mysteries, hoping to shed a little dark on all the stuff we think we know"

Sometimes Humor Helps

2011-12-08T12:49:00.001-08:00

This is some of the funniest sh*t ever: Damn You AutoCorrect

Seriously. I laughed so hard, I peed my pants.

Dec 6th

2011-12-06T10:45:00.000-08:00

Frost Art On My Windshield This Morning

Dec 4th

2011-12-04T10:42:00.000-08:00

The True Meaning of This Season...

Dec 3rd

2011-12-03T22:47:00.000-08:00

"Hello." "Oh, hello" "What's you're name?" "Cashew. What's your name?" "Cashew, too."

Dec 1st & 2nd

2011-12-02T19:35:00.000-08:00

Once again, Trent & I will be joining the December Photo Project
And, once again, we're starting a little late :P
Oh well...

Except for a brief period in my 20's when I decided to hate Christmas (decided to hate pretty much everything, actually...), I've always loved this time of year. Even on our shoe-string budget, my mom always made Christmas a beautiful & bountiful event when I was a kid & now that I have a kid, I'm excited all over again: for Advent, to decorate a tree, make cookies, meet Santa...

Dec 1 - the candle Trent I made to light each night before picking an Advent pocket

Dec 2: December weather so warm, sunflowers are starting to sprout...

Devotion

2011-12-02T11:29:00.000-08:00

It it weird to be in love with a man I've never met?
I give thanks for this lineage every day...

{This Moment}

2011-11-18T11:54:00.000-08:00

{Inspired by...}

Wheezbra

2011-11-16T16:05:00.000-08:00

What Trent calls:

Some things I hope he never learns the 'right' words for...

Over It .or. I have Nothing More to Add

2011-11-14T13:05:00.000-08:00

Over It
-by Eve Ensler

I am over rape.

I am over rape culture, rape mentality, rape pages on Facebook.
I am over the thousands of people who signed those pages with their real names without shame.
I am over people demanding their right to rape pages, and calling it freedom of speech or justifying it as a joke.

I am over people not understanding that rape is not a joke and I am over being told I don't have a sense of humor, and women don't have a sense of humor, when most women I know (and I know a lot) are really fucking funny. We just don't think that uninvited penises up our anus, or our vagina is a laugh riot.

I am over how long it seems to take anyone to ever respond to rape.
I am over Facebook taking weeks to take down rape pages.

I am over the hundreds of thousands of women in Congo still waiting for the rapes to end and the rapists to be held accountable.
I am over the thousands of women in Bosnia, Burma, Pakistan, South Africa, Guatemala, Sierra Leone, Haiti, Afghanistan, Libya, you name a place, still waiting for justice.

I am over rape happening in broad daylight.

I am over the 207 clinics in Ecuador supported by the government that are capturing, raping, and torturing lesbians to make them straight.

I am over one in three women in the U.S military (Happy Veterans Day!) getting raped by their so-called "comrades."

I am over the forces that deny women who have been raped the right to have an abortion.

I am over the fact that after four women came forward with allegations that Herman Cain groped them and grabbed them and humiliated them, he is still running for the President of the United States.
And I'm over CNBC debate host Maria Bartiromo getting booed when she asked him about it. She was booed, not Herman Cain.

Which reminds me, I am so over the students at Penn State who protested the justice system instead of the alleged rapist pedophile of at least 8 boys, or his boss Joe Paterno, who did nothing to protect those children after knowing what was happening to them.

I am over rape victims becoming re-raped when they go public.

I am over starving Somalian women being raped at the Dadaab refugee camp in Kenya, and I am over women getting raped at Occupy Wall Street and being quiet about it because they were protecting a movement which is fighting to end the pillaging and raping of the economy and the earth, as if the rape of their bodies was something separate.

I am over women still being silent about rape, because they are made to believe it's their fault or they did something to make it happen.

I am over violence against women not being a #1 international priority when one out of three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime -- the destruction and muting and undermining of women is the destruction of life itself.

No women, no future, duh.

I am over this rape culture where the privileged with political and physical and economic might, take what and who they want, when they want it, as much as they want, any time they want it.
I am over the endless resurrection of the careers of rapists and sexual exploiters -- film directors, world leaders, corporate executives, movie stars, athletes -- while the lives of the women they violated are permanently destroyed, often forcing them to live in social and emotional exile.

I am over the passivity of good men. Where the hell are you?
You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren't you standing with us? Why aren't you driven to the point of madness and action by the rape and humiliation of us?

I am over years and years of being over rape.

And thinking about rape every day of my life since I was 5-years-old.

And getting sick from rape, and depressed from rape, and enraged by rape.

And reading my insanely crowded inbox of rape horror stories every hour of every single day.

I am over being polite about rape. It's been too long now, we have been too understanding.

We need to OCCUPYRAPE in every school, park, radio, TV station, household, office, factory, refugee camp, military base, back room, night club, alleyway, courtroom, UN office. We need people to truly try and imagine -- once and for all -- what it feels like to have your body invaded, your mind splintered, your soul shattered. We need to let our rage and our compassion connect us so we can change the paradigm of global rape.

There are approximately one billion women on the planet who have been violated.

ONE BILLION WOMEN.

The time is now. Prepare for the escalation.

Today it begins, moving toward February 14, 2013, when one billion women will rise to end rape.
Because we are over it.

Spread the word: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eve-ensler/over-it_b_1089013.html

Procrastination .or. My House is a F*&%ing Mess

2011-11-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

The (not so) Little Dude is asleep.

There are groceries to put away, dishes to wash, a bag to unpack from a trip we returned from a *week* ago, plus a bag to unpack from yesterday's day trip.
I need a shower, my teeth haven't been brushed yet today...in fact I'm still in my pajamas.
Coyote Cat's litter box needs emptying.

But, am I handling any of that with this 1-2 hour reprieve? Nope. Here I am, checking Facebook, writing in my blog, maybe going to sneak an episode of TV on Netflix (I'm too embarrassed to even tell you the show).

Take heart, friend. Whoever you are, however messy your house (or life) seems, I'm right there with you...

Give yourself a break. Take a walk. Make a craft with your kiddo. Nap. Or read. Sip hot cocoa.

The dishes will still be there tomorrow.

Why, yes, this is my lovely sink...

I Went to the Woods Today...

2011-11-12T15:50:00.000-08:00

...because I needed to be surrounded by beings much larger, older & wiser than myself...

I walked for a ways & then wrapped myself around a (Madrone) tree & sobbed.
And she held me.

I feel so lost right now. Unsure how to be a mother, a friend, a lover, a co-parent, a human...

Later, I lay on the ground beneath a huge & gorgeous Redwood.

And she held me too. And the Earth.
I felt cradled.

There were an abundance of small, magical, beautiful beings...

And I came home with some peace in my heart.

Letter to My Lover {as we part ways}

2011-11-12T09:22:00.001-08:00

Dear L,

Thank you for sharing yourself so intimately.Thank you for loving my body so fully.
Thank you for hiking & skinny dipping & the Lost Coast & Harbin on mushrooms.
Thank you for making love under the stars.
Thank you for coming right up against your discomfort of being in a relationship & staying there as long as you did.
Thank you for sharing banana splits & dreams & secrets.
Thank you for trusting me.
Thank you for your honesty & your integrity.
Thank you, in the end, for being willing to be the one to end things.

You came into my life at the perfect time & gave me what I needed most.

Today I went walking in Armstrong Woods; needing the solace of those big trees & wanting to feel near to you in some way. We had our 3rd date there. I remember you leaping down the path, saying, "This is my dancing!" It was raining & you seemed happy.

I love it when you smile.

I don't really know how to relate to your darkness; to the rain cloud you seem to (prefer to) live under.
Even as a friend...

I wish I'd had more time with you.
I wish my love didn't scare you so much.
I wish I could have met your sister.
I wish we could have taken a road trip together.
I wish my being a mom didn't scare you so much.
I wish you'd spent more time with Trent {I think you'd really like him}.
I wish we'd met 6 months, a year, 3 years ago...
I wish for things exactly as they are.

Our connection still confuses me.
Even when I first met you, I trusted you; I cared for you.
I still feel like I barely know you.
I would have your baby.

I love you.

{This Moment}

2011-10-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

(Inspired by...)

I'm breaking the 'rules' today.
Because I couldn't choose just one moment.
Because I so rarely include myself in these moments.
Because I am a mother & also a lover.
Because....

{This Moment}

2011-10-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

{Inspired by...}

{This Moment}

2011-10-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

{Inspired by...}

{This Moment}

2011-10-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

{Inspired by}

{This Moment}

2011-09-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

(Inspired By...)

Hide Nothing

2011-09-20T12:37:00.000-07:00

{Inspired by...}

Sometimes I'm totally bored of being with my child.

Sometimes I wish I'd never had a kid.

I'm secretly hoping to get accidentally pregnant.
(I think I may be crazy)

Sometimes I hate families with two parents.
But, really, I secretly envy them.

I would get electrolysis if I could afford it & didn't think people would judge me.
I'd probably also get a boob job if I thought it would look natural & I didn't think people would judge me.

I judge people who don't breast feed.

I once spent $1000 on clothes because I was mad at Him for sleeping with another woman.

I have cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had.

I once lied to a credit card company & told them my card had been stolen, so I wouldn't have to pay for the last few times I used that card.

I had an abortion.

I'm terrified my parents will find this blog.

I'm scared to tell my parents I'm getting divorced. Even though they probably already know. I mean, I've been living separately from my husband for almost 2 years now.

One of the reasons I haven't (officially) gotten divorced yet is that I'm afraid I won't be able to support myself on my own.
Another reason I haven't (officially) gotten divorced yet is that I still sometimes think we'll work it out.

One of the reasons I dye my hair is so no one will see I'm starting to go gray.

I do. not. like. the wrinkles forming between my eyebrows.
I'm OK with the ones at the corners of my eyes.

I have pretty much always been afraid I was fat - since I was about 11 - except for about the 6 months before I got pregnant.

I loved being pregnant. So. Much.
One of the reasons I want another baby is so I can be pregnant again.
And give birth again.

I am totally jealous of other people's success. Especially their successful relationships.

I secretly wish bad things upon people I've felt hurt by.

I often feel lonely.
I feel angry most of the time.

I'm obsessed with really expensive jeans & boots.

I sometimes ignore my kid to write in this blog.

I'm afraid I may not do anything worthwhile with my life.

20/100 (a Non-Bucket-List Bucket List) -or - I am A Work in Progress

2011-09-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

1. Birth at home with no one there but me & The Dad & Jamie (& maybe Trent)
2. Produce (at least) 50% of what we eat from my own land
3. Take a workshop with Ina May
4. Catch a baby other than my own
5. Girlfriend Southwest hot springs road trip/tour
6. Assist for Manouso Manos
7. 500 Hour Iyengar teacher training
8. Study with BKS Iyengar in Pune
9. Fall in love without fear
10. Look in the mirror without judgement
11. Have all my metal fillings replaced with non-metal
12. Hike the Appalachian Trail
13. Learn Sanskrit
14. WOOF (Italy, New Zealand, Chile...)
15. Family trip to Africa
16. Yearly Hawaii trip to visit Crazy Uncle Jim & the spinners
17. Swim with whales
18. Learn to surf (for real)
19. Bees!
20. Apprentice (to lead sweat lodges (and then actually lead them!)) with Tim

Would I really be incomplete if I didn't do any one, five, or all twenty, of these things?
I doubt it.
The point is to Live Big. Live For Real. Risk it all & Trust.
These are all just access points. To love & enjoy this (precious) world; this (precious) life.

I love what Misplaced Mama says:
"Manifestations comes from seeing all the flowers in front of our eyes right now. Saying thank you during each step. Throwing away our lists. Burning our vision boards. Destroying The Secret. The secret is this! Don’t keep any secrets. Say thank you and please while you’re at it. Enjoy the jeans with the holey crotch. Buy new ones when you can. Smile at the mess in the living room and stop looking in other people’s windows and wishing. Stop thinking about the life you always thought you’d have and live the one you got."

So, some gratitude, while I'm at it:

1. Trent (Trent, always Trent)
2. Living here
3. Him & Him & Him
4. Yoga
5. Making my living loving people
6. Still having friends I've known my whole life
7. Water
8. Growing up at Tassajara
9. Living most of my life in places that get (really) dark at night
10. All those who throw caution to the wind & do what they love (most)

Big Love.

From The Garden & In The Garden

2011-09-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

Apples, raspberries, plums, plums, plums, strawberries, a peach (or three), pumpkins, tomatoes (cherry & slicers), (very few) cucumbers, sunflowers galore, beans (both green & shelling), kale, chard, carrots, beets, basil, rhubarb, onions, (surprisingly few) zucchini & crook neck squash, (some) peas, mint, thyme, oregano...

{This Moment}

2011-09-16T14:45:00.000-07:00

(Inspired by SouleMama)

On Being Alone

2011-09-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

I was re-reading a quote by David Whyte I recently posted to my Facebook profile: 'To feel abandoned is to deny the intimacy of your surroundings.' & enjoying the comments from friends about how they loved it, blah, blah, blah...

And I realized I was feeling abandoned *right then* & not really taking in my own advice (via the quote).

Sitting here in my own loneliness. Some days a quote like that can crack the door just enough for a full inhalation to sweep in & clear my mind. Tonight I feel stuck in it.

I stopped for a moment & looked around. What are my surroundings? What intimacy am I denying? The soft light in my room, walls warmly painted, bed & comforter so cozy, new clean sheets, a cat for G-d's sake: a real live warm fuzzy creature snuggled next to me, purring...

My heart still feels heavy.
Joy eludes me tonight.
I want, I want, I want, I want...something...something to feel different.
To know where I belong.
I am waiting for someone else to step forward & offer me a spot. To say: Here. Come here. You belong here.
And to hold me tight.

The only practice I know is to stay right here. To feel it all. To distract myself just a little. And then to come back home to myself. Again & again & again.

Sometimes it's not enough.

And, of course, it's always actually enough.

June, July, August, September -or- Life is Good

2011-09-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

Mama-Love

Wild-Haired Artist-Boy

Held

Blossoming

Grateful For

Unbearable Lightness of Being

Moooooooo

Big Guy!

Tender

Turtle-Friend

The Last Moon Before He Came Home

Mimi's

What Do I Really Know?

2011-09-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

Pretty much Nothing, as it turns out.

Every time I think I'm starting to get it - this life, or my life, or being a Mama, or how to be happy, or whatever - figured out. Well, to be kind, let's just say that's usually when all hell breaks loose.

Luckily I seem to be getting more adept at sitting in midst of chaos & letting it burn. Burn up this crazy ego of mine that wants everything exactly the way I want it, and NOW. Have I mentioned before I hate not getting what I want? That I hate not getting my way? That I can be an absolute child about having to consider other people?

Yeah. Super-fun. Especially since I'm the Mama now & there is an actual child in the house. Also demanding to get his way, and NOW!

........................................................................................................................................................................

And, am I surprised that my child is intense? Is prone to fits of rage? Throws & hits & screams in frustration?

Nope.

He is my child after all. And his Dad's. And we are, neither of us, smooth & peaceful creatures. We both carry in us that heat; that spark; that iron & steel. We are instigators; lighters of fires. It is only in the past few years I have even begun to discover the (much vaster) potential of water; of love; the power in being capable of flow.

For the past two years, Trent has been teaching me almost daily: Open Mama, open...
Any place I'm rigid, he breaks me {open}.
His love is so big. I am humbled.

Who am I that I get to be his Mama?
As Marianne Williams says: Who am I not to be?!?

An endless journey into Not Knowing. Trusting. Learning. And letting go...

House on Fire

2011-05-14T20:37:00.000-07:00

House on Fire

Your house

is on fire.

Quick—

what will you take

with you

into that new

life,

the one

you hadn’t planned?

The one without

the layers

of meaning

and belief,

carelessly constructed yet

protected

with such

blind

tenacity?

Choose now—

will you keep

your relationships

as you’ve known them?

Your ways of being

in the world?

Will you crawl out

of the house

at last,

gasping for clean air,

having risked it all

for one momento

of the person

you used to be?

Arrogant presumption,

this pretense of choosing.

As if the Soul,

having sought

its ego-erasing crucible

would now empower

your illusions

of control.

Why keep running

back

into the wreckage?

Better to surrender

wholeheartedly.

Let the flames

take it all—even

your blueprint

for life after immolation.

Trust in the miracle

beyond your designing:

The post-surrender peace

that comes

from somehow knowing

amidst the ashes

you’ll find the treasure

that was always hiding

beneath your dross,

waiting for one more fire

to set it free.

from her forthcoming audiobook,

Terrible Beauty: Poems and Reflections

for Precarious Times

Catch Up

2011-05-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

January in MO

February(on the Homestead)

March (Rocking Out with Jai Uttal)

April (A Boy & His (pink, sparkle-y) Horse)

May (On the Big Kid Swing!)

Kindness

2011-02-25T21:13:00.001-08:00

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

What you hold in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,

only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say

It is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you everywhere

like a shadow or a friend.

-Naomi Shihab Nye

Happy New Year!!!

2010-12-27T21:05:00.000-08:00

Christmas was beyond fun - it was the BEST!

Tomorrow we're headed out for more family time & to co-lead at the Integral Spiritual Experience (so exciting!!!)

So - bye for now - and see you in the New Year!

Blessed Be...

Dec 23

2010-12-23T20:49:00.000-08:00

Nanna's Here!!!!!!!!

(and Rabbit, too!)

Dec 22

2010-12-23T14:29:00.000-08:00

Driving into the City to teach yoga - Early Morning Golden Gate...

Dec 21

2010-12-23T14:26:00.000-08:00

Picking Rhubarb

Good Morning World. or. The View From Our Back Porch.

2010-12-20T20:21:00.000-08:00

Dec 19

2010-12-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

(not technically a photo, but...)

It is raining cats & dogs & pigs & goats here.
We are going a little stir-crazy.

And, yes, I do have (most of) a drum kit in my living room.

Sweet Moments

2010-12-18T22:50:00.000-08:00

Tonight, after bath time, I was running around trying to make the bed & fold clothes & wash dishes & clear out boxes, when I rounded the corner & found my Little Dude playing quietly with his little animal figures. He was talking to himself & making all the animal noises. Of course I ruined it by trying to take a video. At least I got these pictures.
And remembered to breathe.

Thank you, Trent...

Life Will Break You - by Louise Erdich

2010-12-17T12:23:00.001-08:00

Life will break you.
Nobody can protect you from that,
and living alone won’t
either
for solitude will also break you
with its yearning.

You have to love.
You have to feel.

It is the reason you are here on earth.

You are here to risk your heart.
You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens
that you are broken
or betrayed
or left
or hurt
or death brushes near

Let yourself sit
by an apple tree and
listen
to the apples
falling all around you in heaps

wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.

Too Cool for School

2010-12-17T12:22:00.000-08:00

And on the 17th day of Christmas the Little Dude got his very own sunglasses!!!!!

New Home

2010-12-16T20:09:00.000-08:00

That's out landlord/neighbor/friend reflected in the left window pane. He's on the roof of his house cleaning the gutters & dancing. Life is good.

Oh, the Chaos of Moving

2010-12-16T20:00:00.000-08:00

I missed the 14th, because...well, because my house looks like this:

And it's pretty much all I can do to keep the Little Dude out of the boxes & occupied...
(note the Advent Calendar peeking out in the upper left-hand corner - today he climbed on a box & chose his Advent pocket for the day while my back was turned - the little sneak!)

Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree...

2010-12-13T20:12:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a Christmas tree in about 10 years. Haven't even wanted one.
But, this year, I do: for me, for the Little Dude, for the whole shebang of lights & presents & really doing *Christmas*...

So, we went to the tree farm just down the road from our new Home

Where they had one of those amazing Winter Wonderland toy train set-ups. The Little Dude was appropriately fascinated. Choo Choo!!!

And now we have a tree w/lights!

(I'm writing this post with all the lights off except the ones on the tree. It's wonderful.)

Dec 12 - Moving Day

2010-12-13T13:35:00.000-08:00

Trent Drove :)

Dec 11

2010-12-13T13:32:00.000-08:00

Final Views from an Old Home

Dec 10

2010-12-10T12:08:00.000-08:00

Now the cow has a sheep friend (baaaaaa...)

We Are Going to Miss This

2010-12-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

Pizza + music + The Cheese Board Collective = One happy Little Dude
(and Mama gets 20 minutes 'off')

Dec 8

2010-12-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

A boy & his Ma-Ma (Monkey)

Dec 7

2010-12-08T20:23:00.000-08:00

Oops - time got away from me & I missed a day...

Advent Calendar - Traditions Part 1

2010-12-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

This year my Little Dude is old enough & I wanted to begin creating our family holiday traditions. An Advent calendar being one. I'm not totally sure why, because it's not something I have so many amazing memories of... Though, one year I did have an Advent calendar that had a small, plastic figure behind each day's door (instead of chocolate), and each figure made up a piece of the Nativity scene (baby Jesus in a manger topping it all off). My mom & I loved it (she painted a small night scene to go behind it & we put it together each year, and she still has all the pieces), which is a little odd because we're Buddhists...but, whatever...

Anyway - last year I had this brilliant idea to sew an Advent calendar: basically a square of fabric with 25 pockets - so we could have something lasting, instead of buying a new calendar each year (and only ever getting chocolate - not that I don't love me some chocolate).

This year, I still had that same brilliant idea...but nothing started & no time to make one anytime soon.

I should mention: I am not a sewer.

My mother, however, is.
(thank you Mom!)

And, with a little help from me with regards to fabric, color, shape & size (a lovely natural canvas, durable, but not too stiff & about 32"x42"), she whipped one right up - and helped me fill it with all sorts of fun treats for Trent:

It's hung on a dowel rod, with two small, wooden knobs to cover the ends. The red, velvet ribbon is the finishing touch.

I am *thrilled* with the results!

I had originally planned on cutting the numbers out of various scrap fabrics I have laying around. But, looking at this beautiful, simple creation, I just didn't want to make it into something chaotic.

So we bought some gold fabric paint & a set of stencils, and viola!
(sponging the paint has worked way better than using a brush, but I still have to be careful not to over-saturate, because then it bleeds under the stencil & instead of a lovely number, I've got a big blob)

This year Trent gets to choose one pocket each day - any pocket that he hasn't picked yet - and I am stenciling the numbers to follow his pattern. It makes the numbers wonderfully random, but also meaningful (this was also my Mom's idea. She's good like that).

Next year, and forever-after, he can follow the numbers.

So far, he's really enjoying choosing each morning, but isn't paying much attention to the calendar otherwise, which I'm grateful for.

I'm not telling him about Jesus or St. Nick, or even Christmas - just Advent.
Not quite sure how I'm going to broach those subjects when they come up...

How to Really Love a Child

2010-12-06T23:11:00.000-08:00

Counting Our Blessings :December 6:

2010-12-06T22:14:00.000-08:00

Breakfast on Daddy's lap...

...and reading with Grandma & Grandad

This One's for Mommy

2010-12-05T22:19:00.000-08:00

I am definitely more into this teeny-tiny miniature Radio Flyer wagon than Trent:

But he humored me :)

A Very Monster Advent

2010-12-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

This is the crazy monster Trent picked for Advent this morning...

...and his crazy monster friends...

...setting up shop...

...Monsters & Trucks = Trent Heaven...

Counting Our Blessings :December 3:

2010-12-03T17:06:00.000-08:00

Having Nanna here to read with us...

Crayons!

(Advent, Day 3)

More Words

2010-12-02T20:59:00.000-08:00

Chameleon (He really gets into the 'eleon' part. There's lots of tongue action.)
Cow (plus: Mooo!!) - sounds more like 'tow'
Sheep (plus: Baaa!)
Pig
Rabbit (ra-ra)
Basket Ball (ba ball)
Nurse (nur)
Pretzel (papow)
Baby
Sock (sa)
Mouse (mow)
Sshhhhh
Sleep (also, night-night)
Nose (no)
Eye
Mouth (mow)
Monster (ma-ma)
Monkey (ma-ma)
Music (ma-ma)
--Why, yes - it does get confusing :)
Donkey (da-da)
Duck
Chicken (chichen)
Banana (nanna)
Tomato (nano)
Potato (tato)
Bird (bood or caw-caw)
Water (wa-wa)
Up
Down
Boat
Train (choo-choo)
Tricycle (shisho)
Rain
Dark (da)
Sky (ky)
Toothbrush (titoo)
Bath (ba)
Pumpkin (pupaw)

All Mama can say is: WOW!

Back In The Saddle

2010-12-02T20:44:00.000-08:00

(Thanks to the December '10 Photo Project)

1. For the first day of Advent - Trent gets a cow!

(playing catch-up, since I'm starting on the 2nd)

2. A Boy & His Toothpick

Why?
Because my little guy is too cute for words.
Because I remember this time of year as magical.
And it is becoming so again...

The Future

2010-10-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Words

2010-10-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

Trent's words:

Shoes (Shs)
Boot (Boo)
Ball (Ba)
Hi
Bye
Hey
Mamma
Dadda
Cracker (Cra Cra)
Dog (Da)
Uh-Oh
Water (Wawa)
More (Mo)
Hot (Haaaaaa)
Belly Button (Bow Bow or Boo Ba)
Pee Pee
Poo Poo
And, of course.....NO

Whatever

2010-10-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

So....I have definitely NOT been blogging every Thursday & Sunday evening, like I said I would.

And, you know what? I don't care.

I have this little reminder alarm that pops up & tells me it's time to blog, and I keep ignoring it.

I am a seriously busy kitty these days:

Trent is almost 17 months now & running around like crazy, singing up a storm, and generally enchanting & driving me nuts in almost equal parts. Plus, uninterrupted sleep is still rare commodity - so sometimes it's really all I can do to show up. Good thing showing up is 90%, right?

I am also in a three-month yoga teacher training, and it is kicking my butt - both mentally & physically. I am in class for five hours every Saturday & Sunday until mid-December (plus, a couple hours every Tuesday & Friday evening). Muscles I didn't know I had are sore, and I am spending much of Trent's sleeping time doing homework or attempting some home practice time.
And: I LOVE IT.

Then there's the fact that I'm moving to Sebastopol (and hour away) in December, so I'm showing my place & starting to sort through Trent & my stuff to see what we can get rid of now, so I don't have to pack it. It's a process I actually really enjoy - I just wish I had more time & wasn't so gosh darn tired...

So, anyway - fuck blogging twice a week.

I'll see you when I see you, and at least you'll know I really wanted to be there.

xoox

If You Want to Change the World

2010-09-16T22:13:00.001-07:00

If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

--Lisa Citore

This, That & the Other

2010-09-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

My little music maker now plays the harmonica, and well.
(I'll try to post a video soon)
He just astounds me. Every musical instrument he finds, he picks up & learns to play in minutes. He is a genius - I'm sure of it :)

I liked the guitar & I am very into his drum playing.
But the harmonica, I think, is my favorite yet.
My boy can play the blues!

At the same time, my heart is breaking.
Aching.
I am sure of almost nothing these days.

(Trent just woke up in the middle of my writing, so I went in & we snuggled & nursed & I smelled his wonderful baby head & listened to him breathing & all was peaceful.)

In a world that made sense, The Dad & I - we would still be living together.
We would not hurt so badly around each other.
We would not scramble through the same damn maze, over & over again, only to find ourselves in the same damn dead end, with no fucking cheese.

Love, we are learning, is not enough.

I am praying more & doing yoga.
Reading Mary Oliver:

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

And, so, I have begun my yoga teacher training.
It is intense & challenging & full & bright & exciting.
I like being a student again!

What a beautiful, broken, blessed world...

What's Not to Love?

2010-09-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

Sunglasses, toothbrush - we are *set*!

Rock Star

2010-09-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

2010-09-09T23:15:00.000-07:00

My Little Dude loves dogs.

2010-09-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

Isn't he beautiful?

He is my Saving Grace.

Tonight

2010-09-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

(he is so unbelievably beautiful when he sleeps - it breaks my heart)

I fell asleep while putting Trent to bed (around 7:30p) tonight.

I woke up around 8:30p & felt so achingly lonely...
The house was dark & all the doors & windows were open & it was very, very still and quiet.

I think this is the (empty) place inside myself I need to sit in right now.

What to Say...?

2010-09-02T22:25:00.000-07:00

Ugh...

I want to write; I don't want to write.

It's been over a month since my last post....

There is too much to say; I have nothing to say.

This pretty much says it all:

I would like to start writing here again. I feel so inspired & grateful, and also intimidated by the other Blogging Mamas...
It is time to simply write whatever it is I have to say - for no other reason than to do write it - with no idea that I, or anyone else, will ever care what I have written or posted, but simply to write.

I hereby commit to writing *something* in this space at least every Sunday & Thursday evening, after Trent goes to sleep. Until December. So there.

Things I Love Right Now

2010-07-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

It's called a Reaper Bun (doesn't that sound deadly?!?) & it's basically a croissant, dipped in butter-sugar & baked. Yeah, deadly.

This book is amazing. I am totally re-inspired.

This song makes me cry every time...

Words for Today

2010-07-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

What the Body Says

I was born here, and

I belong here, and

I will never leave.

The blue heron's

gray smoke will flow over me

for years

and the wind will decide

all directions

until I am safely and entirely

something else.

I am thinking of this

this winter morning

as I sit by the fire

and the fire in it's red rack

keeps singing

its crackling song

of transformation.

Of course

I wonder about

the mystery

that is surely up there

in starry space

and how some part of me

will go there at last.

But I am talking now

of the way the body speaks,

and the wind, that keeps saying,

firmly, lovingly:

a little while and then this body will be stone; then

it will be water; then

it will be air.

-Mary Oliver

My Favorite Baby Stuff

2010-07-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

This is a list I wrote for some newly pregnant friends when Trent was about 6-8 weeks old. I've updated it some, but thought I would basically just copy & paste here for posterity...
Plus, it really is all stuff I used ALL the time when he was tiny.
Each mom figures out what she needs as her Bun gets older, but it's so nice to have some guidance at the beginning...

Things We Loved & Used ALL the Time

The William & Martha Sears 'Baby Book’ – it’s my new bible. (current note: I *still* use this book. Like right before Trent's first birthday when he got pink eye & just last week when he had a fever of 101.8. SO helpful & non-over-reactive)
Weleda products – especially the calendula oil (I’m using it as diaper cream & also rubbing it all over Trent’s body every opportunity I get. He loves it.). Their diaper cream is also good. (current note: I still use their cream bath wash & have never used any other kind of soap on Trent)
Lansinoh diaper cream – This is my go-to when Trent actually has a rash - it clears it up in no time flat.
Ring Sling: really, really, really great for when your baby is still little – ever since I learned how to use it, I carry Trent everywhere & still have my hands free. I can even nurse with him in it. Having a friend show me how to use this sling *changed my life*. I love it.
A good rocking chair – probably a glider: we found one used on CL & setting it up so I can look out the window & rock/nurse Trent has changed my life. (you will spend a lot of time wherever you set up to nurse, so make it good)
Cocynthal (sp?): ‘Colic’/gassy baby liquid homeopathic remedy. Really works - Trent would be crying & crying & we would give him a shot of this stuff & a minute later he would poop or fart & calm down. (current note: I still occasionally use this when Trent's got really bad gas. Still works!)
Changing table: not something I ever would have invested in, but has become one of the places Trent & I have the most fun together. Whether you get a ‘real’ changing table or not, just make sure you set up a station in a way & place that you’ll be happy spending lots of time. (I think having a heater as part of the changing station is one of the things that makes Trent so happy there.)
Tiny Tots Diaper Service – I’m a huge cloth diaper advocate (happy to give anyone a demo or five, if you’re on the fence & just intimidated. It’s really easy once you get the hang of it!) – and this service is great. Awesome customer service too.
A bouncing/vibrating chair: again, not something I thought we needed (or even wanted), but has become invaluable… (we removed the bar across the top that usually has a ton of horrid, bright, plastic shit that lights up & makes noise. Who needs the overstimulation? Trent just liked the vibration...)
I love this site for buying diaper covers (of course, getting hand-me-dows is the BEST!). I like having a variety: some cotton, some wool, some polyester – good for different times…
A water-proof pad (or three, to have a nice rotation) to sleep on: we’re sleep-sharing with Trent & my milk supply is so high, he & I are all wet by morning. The pad keeps us from having to wash the sheets every day.
You really can’t have too many baby blankets – all different weights, fabrics, sizes – you’ll use them for all kinds of things – trust me.
Lansinoh brand nipple cream – works like a charm
Lansinoh brand nursing/breast pads – the best I’ve found…(you’ll want to have these & at least one nursing bra before you go into labor, so you’ll have them right away.
Once my supply settled down & I found my rhythm, I started using reusable breast pads. I think Gerber makes nice ones & I found them at Target, of all places...
Glamourmom makes a great nursing tank (with built in bra). I literally wear them every day.
Soothing music that you like to listen to – calms you down, calms baby down… I’m partial to cello music.
Socks: his feet get really cold!
I’m partial to the Avent brand manual breast pump. I’m only pumping once/day, since I’m not going back to work anytime soon – so it works really well for me. I know other women have appreciated the efficiency of the electric… Also, glass bottles for storing expressed milk (and special freezer bags for freezing). (current note: One year later, and still working for me...)
A boppy or equivalent for nursing
Hylands teething tablets (homeopathic remedy)
I love our white noise maker at night (current note: we still use this for every nap & at night. I even take it when we travel!)
A night-light, or some way to have low light for night nursing
Monitor (ours sucks, so I don't have a good recommendation)
We LOVE out Phil & Ted's stroller, but we would totally have gotten a cheaper one if we weren't planning on having two kids (it has an awesome $40 add-on that turns it into a really easy double stroller). (current note: We didn't use the stroller until Trent was about 6 months old & now I use it ALL the time!)
I really like these bras for sleeping in. You may not gush milk all the time, but if you do, you’ll be wanting a comfy bra to sleep in
(At 3.5 months) we have now started using the famous Ergo. It's easy, comfortable & Trent likes it. if you have the opportunity to try out some baby carriers (with a baby) before you have a baby – that’s the best, because it’s such a personal decision... (current note: At 14 months & 27lbs, the Ergo is still pretty comfy, though better as a back carrier than a front carrier...)

Things we Did Not Need

Baby towels (we just use ours)
Baby bath (we just get in with him - it's super-fun & he has always LOVED the bath because of it)
A crib (someone loaned us a *beautiful* one & we just never used it...)
Baby shampoo (I just washed Trent's hair for the first time a couple weeks ago - only because he threw up in it)
Half the newborn clothes - he just grew so fast!

At Six Months

The Johnny Jump-up is a HUGE hit & gives me some much needed time to do such glamorous things at: cook breakfast!
For constipation (with solids): the very BEST has been just mixing some high quality olive oil in withe veggie puree's, also the homeopathic remedy Nux Vomica

Websites

La Leche League (for everything breast-related): http://www.llli.org/resources.htm
Berkeley Parents Network (awesome, awesome, awesome forum, archives, and great way to connect with other like-minded parents: http://parents.berkeley.edu/
Hand in Hand (I’m not 100% with these folks, but they have some great stuff: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/
Awake Parenting Perspectives: http://www.awakeparent.com/

My Hero

2010-06-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

I am not only a pacifist but a militant pacifist. I am willing to fight for peace. Nothing will end war unless the people themselves refuse to go to war.

This morning...

2010-06-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

...I thought I was going to go *crazy*!

Please, baby, please: just sleep for a few more minutes!
Please, baby, please: stop kicking me in the gut!
Please, baby, please: eat one more bite of eggs!

(stop crying for one minute, sit still, take your medicine, and (for G-d's sake!) go back to sleep!!!!)

And, the house is in complete chaos, the dishes need to be done, there are books & toys *everywhere*, I'm still hungry, I'm tired, I don't want to sleep, we are getting a new street & the noise & the smells are awful... I could go on.

So....

::10 Things I am Actually Grateful for Right Now::

1. The baby is sleeping
2. The baby is sleeping
3. The baby is still sleeping
4. The cup of blackberry/sage tea I am brewing for myself (with milk & honey)
5. Stone fruit season is here
6. An afternoon off last Tuesday (went to see Iron Man 2. Brilliant.)
7. Yarn (and knitting)
8. All the Beautiful Blogging Mommas out there (so I know I am not alone)
9. Creativity (mine & others - even when I judge myself for not doing enough, I am glad someone is)
10. Hot water (I'm going to take a shower now)

Love

2010-06-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

Of course I want more sleep.
Of course I want to just space out sometimes.
Or read a book.
Or go to the movies on a whim.
Of course I would like to be able to talk to my friend Jamie for 3 minutes straight without being interrupted by one, or both, of our sons demanding our attention for their own.

Of course!

And, yet...

I have never felt a love this big.
Love, in fact, seems an almost paltry word to describe the I-would-do-anything-whenever-however-whatever-no-matter-what-even-if-it-involved-severing-my-own-limbs-for-this-little-person feeling I carry with me everywhere now.

My heart will never be the same.
(thank G-d)

...But Who Has the Time?

2010-06-11T09:16:00.000-07:00

The thing is, though: I have had the time.
It's just that I've spent the last few weeks lost in 'LOST'.
Again.

After I finished the first season, I vowed I would not start the second season.
But then I did.
And then I couldn't stop.
And every time Trent would take a nap, I would creep off to get my 'LOST' fix...

And, so, here I am, making a public vow: I will not begin season three...until at least July.
I should be able to go three weeks without a single episode.
If not, then G-d help me, I'm worse off than I thought.

So long Jack, so long Kate, So long Hurley & Sawyer & Sayid. You have been my loyal companions in oblivion & I will miss you.

In the mean time: I will knit, I will read, I will write, I will respond to your calls & emails, I will watch my strawberries ripen. Perhaps I will even do some yoga.

Sigh...

This is what 1 Looks Like

2010-05-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

Trent Carlo Cunov turned one on May 20th, 2010

A day like any other day. He ate chicken & refused strawberry shortcake. He peed on the porch.

We had thrown a party the weekend before. He ate rocks & refused the carrot cake cupcakes.

Who is this little man, who I cannot recall ever NOT being in my life?

He is his own person, for sure. He says 'No', definitively and clearly. He growls & crows & whispers. He crawls & scoots & stands. He LOVES the slide - flinging himself down with abandon, over & over & over. He eats meat. He scorns fruit & all things sweet.

Happy birthday my love. You will always be my first born, my baby, my appel a la vie...

The Sheets Needed to be Changed Anyway

2010-05-28T20:13:00.001-07:00

Thank you, Trent, for pooping on the bed, and thereby ending my weeks-long mantra of 'I'll change the sheets tomorrow'...

...but, who has the time?

It's Up to Each of Us

{This Moment}

Life Is Like This

One Tribe Y'all

Sometimes My Heart Feels Like This

Shed a Little Dark

Sometimes Humor Helps

Dec 6th

Dec 4th

Dec 3rd

Dec 1st & 2nd

Devotion

{This Moment}

Wheezbra

Over It .or. I have Nothing More to Add

Procrastination .or. My House is a F*&%ing Mess

I Went to the Woods Today...

Letter to My Lover {as we part ways}

{This Moment}

{This Moment}

{This Moment}

{This Moment}

{This Moment}

Hide Nothing

20/100 (a Non-Bucket-List Bucket List) -or - I am A Work in Progress

From The Garden & In The Garden

{This Moment}

On Being Alone

June, July, August, September -or- Life is Good

What Do I Really Know?

House on Fire

Catch Up

Kindness

Happy New Year!!!

Dec 23

Dec 22

Dec 21

Good Morning World. or. The View From Our Back Porch.

Dec 19

Sweet Moments

Life Will Break You - by Louise Erdich

Too Cool for School

New Home

Oh, the Chaos of Moving

Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree...

Dec 12 - Moving Day

Dec 11

Dec 10

We Are Going to Miss This

Dec 8

Dec 7

Advent Calendar - Traditions Part 1

How to Really Love a Child

Counting Our Blessings :December 6:

This One's for Mommy

A Very Monster Advent

Counting Our Blessings :December 3:

More Words

Back In The Saddle

The Future

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.-Eleanor Roosevelt

Words

Whatever

If You Want to Change the World

This, That & the Other

What's Not to Love?

Rock Star

Tonight

What to Say...?

Things I Love Right Now

Words for Today

My Favorite Baby Stuff

My Hero

This morning...

Love

...But Who Has the Time?

This is what 1 Looks Like

The Sheets Needed to be Changed Anyway

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
-Eleanor Roosevelt